Brewers Fake News: Are RtB Staff Pets Hardest Hit By Losing Streak?


     Early this morning Colin Bennett, staff writer for Reviewing the Brew, broke a story about the torment his furry companions faced in the wake of last nights devastating loss.  It was confirmed by Bennett himself, that Kiwi and Finn Bennett were both victimized by verbal tyrades over the past 7 days.  With those facts coming to light, I began to investigate the injustice MY four legged companions have been suffering during this 6 game skid.    It was at that point I realized, no pet is safe.  What I discovered is startling.

     First let me introduce my pets, Rupert T. Pennysworth FitzSimmons-Olsen, a 7 year old miniature Holland Lop rabbit who is indifferent to just about everything.  His younger brother is “Brewers Super-Fan” Walter Mickey McFinnigan FitzSimmons-Olsen.  Walter is an 18 month old Cairn Terrier, who enjoys nothing more than sitting on the couch with his Dad (me) watching his favorite team, the Milwaukee Brewers.  The injustices suffered by the felines of the Bennett household, are equally felt two time-zones away in Seattle, WA.  What’s worse, I have photo documentation. 

Exhibit A:

After Kam Loe gave up the go-ahead run in last nights game, Walter put on his rally cap…but it was too late.  You can see the heartbreak on his face.  It is difficult being a “Super-Fan” in a Brewers household right now.

Exhibit B:

Walter and I look on in disbelief, as Greinke Day is ruined by Nate McLouth launching a 2-run bomb in the 4th inning.  Immediately after that home run, Walter assaulted me in anger from his position on higher ground.  I never stood a chance.

Exhibit C:

Rupert does his Casey McGehee impression with runner’s in scoring position.  He does so, by laying in the middle of the floor pretending to be dead.

My pets have flat out had enough.  This sick love of the Brewers is destroying their sanity and mental health.  I have no one to blame but myself…and maybe the batting lineup. 

     Clearly my household is on the verge of self-destruction, and Colin’s is also on a Titanic-esque course for disaster.  But what about the third member of our team Joe Wickersheim?  A Brewers fan and avid animal lover, Joe is a man who is not afraid to voice his frustrations to his own four-legged companions. 

Mr. Wickersheim is the proud owner of a miniature Schnauzer, who goes by the name of Handsome Stan.  Handsome’s partner in crime is a cat who goes by the name…Carl.  When I spoke with Joe early this afternoon, he spoke of the pain and mental anguish his pets have been going through over the past week:

Handsome and Carl have almost reached the point of no return.  Handsome won’t even look at me anymore (see photo below (guy in background is not Joe)).  He says that my love of the Brewers is a curse on this whole house.  I fear that even a top K-9 psychologist would be unable to save what is left of his sanity.  And Carl!!  Carl is so confused that I found him chewing on Handsome’s rawhide bone yesterday.  A cat chewing rawhide!!  Lou, surely you can see how serious this has become.   

    I think it is safe to say that if you are a Brewers fan and you think your pets are dealing with this current tailspin better than you are…think again. 

     Pets feed off of their owners and we are all feeling pretty depressed right about now.  My solution, lie to your pets.  That’s right.  Lie to your pets.  I promise you that they will not know the difference.  Do not make the same mistakes thatthe RtB writing staff has made.  Do not let your pets fall victim to your self-loathing and contempt for the current state of Brewers baseball.  Even if the Brewers lose, use the high pitch “happy voice” to rant about it.  Let’s face it, your pets do not speak English.  So, if you use the happy voice to express your anger, they will think that everything is copacetic.  

Only you can save your pet from the Brewers.

-A special Thank You to Colin Bennett for bringing this to all of our attention.  You saved a lot of animals today Colin.     

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Tags: Animal Brewers Fans Brewers Brewers Fake News Brewers Hitting Brewers Losing Streak Funny Animals Funny Brewers

  • Louis G. Olsen

    This was a great idea and well written. I would say your best work to date.