RtB Fake News: ‘The Count’ lashes out against Brewers

Last night, the high-powered Brewers offense, did not score a single run for the 5th time of this young season.  The teams offensive struggles have been well documented this season, so there is no need to re-hash how pathetic they are away from Miller Park.  However, last night a new critic emerged from the depths of the Brewers mascot farm system.

We all remember watching Sesame Street as kids.  But haven’t you ever wondered what the cast members of America’s favorite kids program do while away from the show?  Certainly they have other means of making money…

Enter ‘The Count’, a purple vampire believed to be a direct descendant of Dracula himself.  Although the Count does not need blood to sustain his life force, he only needs the ability to count.  This is something we have all known about him since we were old enough to watch and understand television.  The Count would stand there in his dark, probably made of cardboard, castle counting to his pet bats.  “One…ahahah, Two…..ahahaha, Three…three bats”.  We’ve all seen the show.  You should all know the drill by now.

What you may not know, is that for the past 4 seasons, Count has been bouncing all over the Brewers minor league mascot system.  Currently he resides at Triple-A Nashville, where he only can come out for night games.  You know how vampires and sunlight work, let alone puppets in sun light.  Can you say, sun-bleached?

It has been a dream of the Count’s to replace Bernie Brewer as team mascot.  The marriage made so much sense, pick a team that scores a ton of runs and you will live forever.  Turns out that plan was too much for our plum colored Nosferatu to take.

This was released by the Sesame Street publicist this morning, on the Count’s behalf:

"It is with a heavy, non-beating, heart that I must resign from the Brewers mascot farm system.  These past one, two, three, four…four years ahahah, have been an adventure.  However, over the past one, two, three…three weeks my health has begun to deteriorate at an alarming rate.  Part of me thought this ride would last forever, or at least until the end of the season when Prince left.  Watching a team score 0 runs one, two, three, four, five…five times in just a few weeks, is almost a death sentence for an immortal such as myself.  This is no place for a man who can not survive without  being able to count large volumes of numbers.   I would like to thank all of my fans, and apologize to all of the Brewers fans out there for having to endure this lack of numbers.  You would think a team with one, two, three, four, five…five sluggers would be able to muster a run or two every now and again.  But you would be wrong.  I hate you Milwaukee Brewers, you have killed my dream and my spirit.  You are truly the worst thing to happen to baseball since the goat ban of 1907.  Now the game is being ripped away from me, just like those goats lost the game over one ahahah hundred years ago.  Thank you to all of my young fans and remember to always keep counting."

It is surprising that this announcement came right before a home stand, where the Brewers have not put up a doughnut all season.

Based on the above statement it is very clear that this was a decision made for health reasons.  A man who needs counting to survive, can not possibly stay alive hanging around this team.  We can all sit back and eat a hot dog, or pizza, or any other variance of meat and/or cheese as the Brewers score 0 after 0 after 0.  This poor purple blood sucker can’t do that.  Those numbers are his lifeline and this team has sent him to the brink of starvation.

The man, the myth, the man-made puppet.  The Count will leave a lasting legacy of mascots with all kinds of potential, who just couldn’t get over that final hurdle.  Some may blame the Brewers, and I would too.  They had the power to keep him healthy and cheering for a lifetime, instead they opted to kill him slowly.  Inside sources are telling me that he has offers from the Rockies, Blue Jays, and Red Sox.  Odds are pretty good that the Count will find happiness in one of those 3 destinations.  We here at RtB wish him nothing but the best going forward.

As I wrap up this story, I begin to wonder, why are we employing counting vampires as mascot’s in the first place?  Even if something would have happened to Bernie Brewer, the odds are pretty good that the team would have put out a search for the new Bernie.  In fact, I can see a reality show now, “Who Wants to Be the Next Bernie Brewer”.  So, why do I feel so terrible about he Count leaving?  Maybe it’s because he is leaving under circumstances that should have never come to pass.  This purple puppet almost perished under the inadequacies of this team.  The death of an immortal vampire puppet is something we all need to take more seriously, especially those Milwaukee Brewers batters.  If this does not wake you up to the serious devastation that zero runs can create, then nothing will.

As promised,  The Hall of Very Good posted some of my newest mustache facts.  Now before you all get upset because they are not about Axford, just keep in mind that there are other mustaches on this earth who deserve some fake history too.  Now, my good friend Shawn, who runs The Hall of Very Good, told me that the mustache facts could find there way over to the American Mustache institute’s Blog page.  I will link that as soon as it happens.   

Happy Friday everyone!!!  Rest in peace “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Ohhh yeaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!