Anyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about Mark Kotsay. If you do not know how I feel about Kotsay, here is the abbreviated version. He is terrible, but for some unexplainable reason the Brewers organization insists on signing players who are past their prime. So, even though he is terrible, I do not blame him entirely for the situation we find ourselves in today. Kotsay is no Jeff Suppan, but he has become our sites whipping boy (for the time being). All of that aside, what I am still trying to figure out is, why does Roenicke insist on playing Mark Kotsay.
There has to be a reason. Science tells us, that for every action there is an opposite and equal re-action. This fact, along with my reading of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has lead me down a road of nonsense. I can not sit by and believe that Roenicke continues his love affair with Kotsay because he is simply “a left-handed bat”. After watching Roenicke pull Jon Lucroy in the bottom of the 9th inning on Wednesday, in favor of Kotsay, it dawned on me that something fishy is going on inside the Brewers organization. How is it that Kotsay and Ron Ron are attached? What happened in each of their lives that has given them this super-human bond, capable of clouding all sense of judgement? I have a few theories.
Warning: If you hate sci-fi and general non-sense, it is best to turn back now. While these are intended for nothing more than humor, some of you may not enjoy it. This is what I have been reduced too. These are the only things that make sense to me anymore.
Theory #1 : The Back to the Future films are based on the lives of Kotsay and Roenicke
While this theory is the least unique, it is certainly one of the most feasible. Picture a young Mark Kotsay living in the neighborhood of Hill Valley (Whittier), California. Then picture a crazy old man with a lot of free time on his hands. Roenicke seems like the type of guy who may have had a DeLorean back in the mid-80′s, so we are off to a good start. During the mid-80′s Roenicke was ping-ponging around the majors, so it is entirely possible that he would have picked up some sort of training in regards to nuclear fission. 1984 is where things get really interesting. That was the season that Roenicke was back in San Diego playing for the Padres, who eventually made it to the World Series. Granted, using this time frame, Kotsay would have only been 10 years old. But, when I really think about it, how many teenagers are going to go with an old man in a “time machine”? Kotsay would have known who Roenicke was, since he was playing in the World Series that year. Oh, did I mention that Roenicke started his career as a Dodger and also had some time with the Giants. So Ron was all over the state of California during the tech boom. My theory, Roenicke convinced Kotsay to travel back in time with him. Kotsay saved Roenicke’s life, on more than one occasion, most notably being in 1885 when Mark slid Ron a hover board in order to save him from falling off of a steam engine. It is because of that fateful day that Roenicke came back to the future to re-pay Mark with ample playing time for the 2011 Milwaukee Brewers.
Theory #2 : They are both werewolves
This theory may sound like nonsense, but if the new MTV series “Teen Wolf” has taught us anything….not sure how to finish that sentence. Let’s try going this way, if “Twilight” has taught us anything about werewolves it’s that…crap, I still have nothing. Ok, last time. If the “Underworld” movies have taught me anything, it is that werewolves…are bigger than regular wolves. That will have to do.
While you may scoff and say, “Oh Lou, you are so full of S”. I ask, how many of you know what Mark Kotsay is batting during full moons? The answer is 0 for 6. Clearly Roenicke likes to put Kotsay into the lineup during a full moon, hoping to evoke his killer instincts. Epic fail Ron, epic fail. Maybe Kotsay is one of those nice werewolves like in the movie “Teen Wolf”. Be that as it may, this theory makes sense because of the brotherhood aspect. The only reason Roenicke could conceivably continue to play Kotsay is, they both have a similar dark secret. If one of them angers the other one, it could all come unglued. Imagine it, a werewolf fight in the dugout. This theory also explains previous Brewers signings. Maybe Ash and Attanasio are werewolves too. That is why they sign players like; Jeff Suppan, Damian Miller, Johnny Estrada, Craig Counsell (3 times), Trevor Hoffman, Mike Cameron, Braden Looper, Doug Davis, and of course Eric Gagne. This group of players had no reason to be signing multi-year deals, unless…
Theory #3: Ron Roenicke is a Terminator
This is my favorite theory. What if the world as we know it depends on Mark Kotsay getting to play baseball as long as he can? What if Roenicke was sent back in time, to make sure that Kotsay plays well into his 40′s? While this would save the world, it would undoubtedly doom the Brewers organization for the next 4-5 years. Can you imagine Kotsay still being on the roster in 2014? Perhaps Kotsay has some sort of mental instability that playing baseball subdues. Baseball is like medication for Kotsay and only Roenicke knows this. Once Kotsay ends his baseball career, he might lose his mind and become some sort of AWOL underground terrorist threat. Mark Kotsay, public enemy #1. Roenicke could be one of those liquid Terminator’s like in the second movie, only this time liquid Ron is a good guy. The real Ron Roenicke could be stranded on a dessert island somewhere for all we know. This Roenicke is an impostor who knows nothing of the game, only that Kotsay must play. Why is this my favorite theory? Because somehow it makes the most sense to me. Call me crazy, but why else would you pull a player with home run power in a home run situation, for a guy like Kotsay who has zero home runs this season. Ron Roenicke is…the Terminator.
Theory #4: The “Angels in the Outfield” Theory
Hopefully we have all seen the mid-90′s Disney classic about a kid who prays for the Angels to win the pennant. If not, it is a must see. In that film, Tony Danza plays an older player who has fallen off the wagon. The guy has been left for dead, but then all of a sudden some angels show up and make him good again. Only later in the film do you find out that Mr. Danza’s character is not long for this earth. As sad and terrible as this may seem, perhaps Roenicke is an angel and can see that this will be the greatest year of Kotsay’s life. Now, I am not saying Kotsay is dying, but I am saying that maybe this is going to be the greatest 4 months of his life. In this theory Ron is an angel, so it is only natural that he would want to give him as many opportunities as possible to make this year even more memorable. Or maybe Ron is praying for the angels to come and help Kotsay and he keeps throwing him out there, hoping for something heavenly to happen. So it might not be that Roenicke is an angel and Kotsay is in a Tony Danza situation, but it could be that Roenicke is the one praying for the angels to help Kotsay get better. My advice to Ron, pray harder.
If any of you have some theories, I would love to hear them. There are no wrong theories, only more possibilities.
Tonight we start a 3 game series with the Twinkies of Minneapolis/St.Paul. Tonight we will see Randy Wolf continue his quest toward the CY Young. Just kidding. Although, he is getting about as much run support as Felix Hernandez got from his team and Hernandez won the award, so you never know.
Happy Friday everyone. Go Brewers!!!
Tags: Abraham Lincol: Vampire Hunter Back To The Future Braden Looper Brewers Brewers Bullpen Brewers Hitting Brewers Pitching Craig Counsell Damian Miller Doug Davis Eric Gagne Jeff Suppan Johnny Estrada Jonathan Lucroy Mark Kotsay Mike Cameron Milwaukee Brewers Randy Wolf Ron Roenicke Takashi Saito Teen Wolf The Terminator Trevor Hoffman Underworld Werewolves