For anyone reading this article for the first time, I live in Seattle, WA. The city is currently experiencing a fairly intense winter storm. People in Wisconsin would not be able to stop laughing at the chaos and mass hysteria that 3 inches of snow can cause in this city. Anyway, thanks to the snow, I am working from home and spending the day talking with my wife. Did I mention that my wife is the coolest.
My wife is a wonderful woman. I love everything about her. She is truly my best friend. Turns out she is pretty funny and starting to learn about sports. It has been a tough road, but during our time in Seattle she has grown to enjoy one sportsy thing. Going to Mariners games. Not necessarily for the baseball, but for the players. During one such night at the ballpark she fell in love with, then, Mariners pitcher Doug Fister. Not because he was a handsome dude, but because his last name was Fister. My wife loves the wacky names, she will really miss the Brewers playing Albert Pujols 16 times a year. Where was I? Ah yes, but her favorite Mariner, is Ichiro Suzuki.
My wife likes M’s games so much, that she will go with out me. On one such outing, she spent the evening pounding beer and cat calling Ichiro with her girlfriends. From what I understand, most of the comments made by my wife and friends involved Ichiro’s backside. Then she began to notice some similarities between me and the Japanese outfielder. She noted that we were the same height, had the same slender frame, and most importantly had “cute little butts”. That is why Ichiro has become a staple of our households baseball conversations. All of this will make sense eventually, I promise.
This morning I shared with my wife, the news about the Brewers signing of Norichika Aoki. I explained how the posting process works (even though I am not 100% sure how it works myself), then said that it was how Ichiro got here. My wife generally shows no interest in any sort of Brewers transactions, but this particular deal seemed to peak her curiosity.
Then my wife had a few questions to ask me about our newest player. These are the actual questions she asked and these were roughly my responses.
1) Does he have a nice butt like Ichiro?
ME: I honestly do not have an answer for you. In all the videos I watched, I feel like he wore baggier pants than Ichiro does. So, I can neither confirm or deny that his butt is comparable to Ichiro’s.
2) Is he gonna have his first name on the back of his jersey, like Ichiro?
ME: I don’t think so. In all the videos I saw of him, his jersey said Aoki which is his last name. Perhaps he could have a change of heart once he gets to Brewers camp. Alot of other Japanese players go by their last names in the states though. Ichiro is like the only one who went with his first name. He has earned that right.
3) Do you think that he could get me a lock of Ichiro’s hair?
ME: Well first I need to make contact with the guy…. wait, seriously? That is gross, you are kind of a gross person. Do you like Ichiro that much? I never understood the lock of hair thing. What are you going to do with it? Are you going to clone him? That is the only reason I will accept. If there is any other reason, I am going to the kitchen. Last time I checked our apartment was not equipped for human cloning. Ham sandwich, here I come.
At least someone around here is not afraid to ask the pressing questions.
My wife is not your typical baseball fan, she finds things outside the game to amuse her, and I will never fault her for that. If that is the price I must pay for her to watch baseball with me, I got off light. Football is another story, but we are getting warmer on that front too.
If you are reading this and are in the Seattle area, be safe if you have to go outside. Snow can be driven in, but all the 4-wheel drive in the world won’t save you from the sheet of ice underneath the snow. Go slow and everything will be fine.
Mrs. RtB, you are the greatest. Thanks for being you and allowing me to publish this. You are hilarious. You rock my world…(whisper) you rock my world.