Earlier today news broke, from a source that does not exist, that the 3 men in charge of Ryan Braun‘s fate will need a few more years to really get to the bottom of all of this. Turns out that they will require one calendar year for each piece of paper that contains evidence, submitted by Ryan Braun.
Bud Selig was not immediately available for comment, since he does not get phone reception in The Hall of Doom. However, I was able to reach his partner in evil deeds Lex Luthor:
The Braun ruling will happen, when we say it is going to happen!! But since you said please, I have it tentatively scheduled for April of 2016. That is subject to change, but since the Justice League has no power in the MLB, you can probably put that in your calendar as well reporter man. Superman and Batman have no power here!!! Mwahahaha!!!
Kind words from a devious villain.
Based off of that solid intel, from a fictional character, it is safe to say that Braun has another 4 years to solidify his legacy before we have to really worry about him serving a suspension of any kind. This is terrific news for Brewers fans, but it got me to wondering why the Legion of Doom needs this much time to make a decision. I have 3 possible scenarios:
Scenario #1 – The hearing panel; Baseball executive vice president Rob Manfred, union chief Michael Weiner and random arbitrator Shyam Das are being black mailed by the Legion of Doom. Should Braun be suspended, it would be a black eye for the evil organization, headed by former Brewers owner Bud Selig. Selig has repeatedly used Braun as poster child for how young ballplayers can be successful without the use of performance enhancing drugs. Should the panel rule against Braun, Selig may lose his seat as the Chairman of the LoD. On the other hand, should the panel rule in favor of Braun, the backlash from the baseball community could be the end of Selig’s reign as the commissioner of baseball. Black mail is the most obvious scenario for the delay in a decision. Bud has the tools and the know how to dig up dirt on those poor men.
Scenario #2 – If they delay it long enough, hopefully people will just forget about it. Now this tactic never works. It didn’t work in High School when I got in trouble for drinking on a school trip and got suspended for three days, and it probably won’t work now. This is the social media age. Braun’s positive test in and of itself was supposed to be confidential, and thanks to ESPN it stayed…that…way? So there is absolutely no way that people are going to forget if you just sweep it under the rug for four more years. No matter how long you draw it out, people are going to be upset either way, so why draw it out for this long. As I learned back in high school, the longer you draw it out, the more times you get knocked upside the head. Lesson learned on my end. Now it’s your turn MLB.
Scenario #3 - This is part of a bigger plan to distract us from Selig for President in 2016. Now this is not as crazy as it sounds. Bud Selig started out working at an auto leasing company, now he is the Commissioner of baseball. Bud is just evil enough to figure out a way to distract everyone from his true plan, becoming the Dictator of America. He is using Ryan Braun as a pawn in his evil game of fascist chess. Braun never had a positive test at all, Selig leaked the information to “The World Wide Leader In Sports”, in order to draw attention away from his campaign. If we let this continue until 2016, it will be too late.
Of course this is all in good fun, but the truth is that the results of this hearing have taken way too long. What is the hold-up? I wrote this article in jest, but I am seriously getting pissed off. At some point, someone has to have the balls to make a decision. I know that it can be hard, but if this panel consists of adults (as we have been lead to believe), then we should already have an answer. Enough is enough. Please Bud and MLB superiors, show mercy on Brewers fans. Don’t make us hate you any more than we already do.