40 Bold Predictions for the 2012 Milwaukee Brewers

With the season under a week away for the Brewers and the writers at Reviewing the Brew having already covered every aspect of the latest Brewers news, it is, by default, time for some bold predictions. For the rest of the post, let’s place an extreme emphasis on the word bold. Additionally, a few of these come from people on Twitter and Facebook (those make up the majority of the serious predictions section).

1.  Nyjer Morgan leaves the Brewers to get his degree from Walla Walla Community College.

2. Nyjer Morgan spends the majority of his time in the Walla Walla Community College library, thus dubbing himself with the name Tony Shush.

3. Carlos Gomez takes over the everyday center field job from the scholar Morgan and is joins Ryan Braun as the first 30/30 tandem in Brewers history…except Gomez does it with a lethal combination of steals and UZR/150.

4. Ron Roenicke grows upset with the offensive production, suffers from imsomnia over Cesar Izturis’s .235 average, swaps BABIP in for batting average to save his health.

5. An announcer mentions Prince Fielder.

6. Mat Gamel strikes out, the “know-it-all” guy two rows behind you mentions Prince Fielder.

7. Mat Gamel hits a slump, I mention Prince Fielder.

8. Mat Gamel hits 20 homers and drives in 75, finishing as a top-7 National League first baseman. I still mention Prince Fielder.

9. Rickie Weeks plays 150 games. (via @JoshHunt77)

10. Marco Estrada is traded for 300 Jonathan Lucroy bobblehead dolls. He still finds his way into the starting rotation.

11. Zack Greinke wears the proper jersey to bat. For doing so, he wins NL Cy Young.

12. Shaun Marcum finishes his laundry, but hangs his t-shirt and David Freese hits it out of the park.

13. National League pitchers petition to ban Ryan Braun 50 games for being “too good”.

14. A lack of Prince Fielder’s appetite in the clubhouse creates a surplus of uneaten food. The Brewers get release his two personal chefs from the 40-man roster, opening up cap space to re-sign Greinke.

15. Instead of signing Greinke, the Brewers donate the money to Nyjer Morgan’s scholarship fund, benefiting the scholar Tony Shush.

16.  Chris Narveson goes 15-8 and nearly throws a no hitter against the Astros. Jeff Bagwell pinch hits and takes Narveson deep in the eighth to ruin the no-hit bid.

17. Jonathan Lucroy hits a walk off grand slam and bats .290 this season.

18. Ryan Braun repeats as National League MVP…but doesn’t win because his urine sample wasn’t sent in because all FedEx’s in the Milwaukee area close, thus angering the voters who give the award to Shane Victorino.

19. Braun is a poor man’s Yoenis Cespedes. (via @stellman8).

20. Manny Parra loses a game.

21. Manny Parra wins a game.

22. Manny Parra neither wins nor loses any games; not because he was never the pitcher of record, but because the umpires sympathized with him.

23. There will be a bench-clearing brawl ignited by Morgan and Carlos Zambrano…at Walla Walla Community College. Zambrano, while on a AA assignment will take the form of a community college player and beam Morgan.

24. The Brewers make a spin-off of the television comedy “The Office”. Tim Dillard assumes the roles of Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Dwight Schrute, Kevin Malone, Crede Bratton, Ryan Howard, and Andy Bernard.

25. Craig Counsell comes out of retirement and makes hitting .154 look more fashionable than any other player ever.

26. Mat Gamel will be named National League ROY, despite previously having too many career at-bats to qualify as a rookie. His entire 2009 season will be voided because, in the words of Bud Selig, “he isn’t Prince Fielder”.

27. “Pitching injuries will slow us down at the end, making us short of the postseason. #Aronsboldpredictions lol” From the one and only Aron Yohannes (@Pocahannes)

28. I accidentally write in ‘Fielder’ in the cleanup spot on my scorecard, then don’t realize it until the fourth inning.

29. The Brewers reel of 12 straight in August to pull away and win the NL Central.

30. Bill “Rock” Schroeder will get his own statue outside Miller Park.

31. Nori Aoki, despite only playing in 70 games, will lead the Brewers in triples.

32. An announcer will mispronounce Aoki’s name. In a fluster, they will simply refer to him as “not Prince Fielder”.

33. Ryan Braun finally settles down and gets engaged during the postseason. He proposes in a FedEx truck.

34. I don’t break any other major Brewers news, as with the Braun story.

35. Even with the loss of Fielder, the Brewers will finish in the top five in the National League in slugging, led by efforts from Braun, Weeks, Gamel, and Aramis Ramirez.

36. A drunk Brewers fan runs on the field and around the bases so fast that Ron Roenicke bails him out, sends Brooks Conrad to AAA, and gives the fan a spot on the roster.

37. That fan is Alex Sanchez.

38. Roenicke will deliberately bat Aoki eighth so the Brewers Junior Announcer isn’t fiated into inevitably butchering his name in the fourth inning.

39. Roenicke will deliberately bat Aoki second so the Brewers Junior Announcer is fiated into inevitably butchering his name in the fourth inning, all the while in tears.

40. The Milwaukee Brewers will win the World Series.

Any other predictions? If so, leave them in the comment section below. Go Brewers!

Follow Curt on Twitter, like Reviewing the Brew on Facebook, or volunteer to do his pre-calculus homework at curt.hogg@gmail.com.