Well, another weekend series…another sweep at the hands of a division rival. I had hoped to not be back with this series so soon, but the Brewers forced my hand by pooping the bed this weekend.
For those of you who missed out on this last week:
If the Brewers get swept during a weekend series, I will spend the rest of my Sunday drinking. From the deepest corners of my drunken mind, I will create some ‘Deep Thoughts’ a la Jack Handy from the Late 90′s and Early 00′s of SNL.
This week however, the sweep came on Mother’s Day…where I was with my family and watched the game with my Father. My Dad is a life long Brewers fan and could take credit for the jaded, cynical, and sometimes hilarious fan that I am today….although he won’t. Luckily for all of you, I was able to take notes from my Dad during the game as well as come up with my own. By the time we got to the 3rd inning we were already 3 deep, so all of these happened during the game. Since it was Mother’s Day, we classed it up a bit and had a few “Dark and Stormies” (Rum, Ginger Ale, and a splash of Lemonade). So here are the musings of two drunk Lou Olsen’s…
Dad: I think the Brewers are intimidated by Bronson Arroyo‘s disgusting grunge hair. Because no one is intimidated by a 83 mph fastball, unless they are in Little League.
The only logical reason to sit Carlos Gomez, the leagues leading hitter, is that you have no intention of winning this game. Or Ron Roenicke is in deep to loan sharks…actually that would explain most of his managerial decisions. That dude needs a new bookie.
Dad: Jeff Bianchi seems ok. At least by Kansas City Royals standards.
Breaking News, Rickie Weeks can not drive in a run with runners on 2nd and 3rd. Instead he slaps the first pitch into the ground. In other news, trouble in the Middle East.
Dad: When is Jean Segura going to be on Dancing with the Stars? He leaves the batters box and it looks like he is doing the samba…or at the very least the tango. He would win for sure. Your mom would vote for him!
Wily Peralta is the hotel ballroom wedding caterer of the Brewers pitching rotation. He only has 3 options; meat, chicken, and vegetarian. Only one of them is worth having, while the other two are edible at best.
Dad: Do think that this Araldo Chapman guys arm will eventually just self-destruct? Every time he delivers a fastball, I imagine Dusty Baker having Kerry Wood and Mark Prior night terrors. “NO!! STOP THROWING SO HARD!! WE’RE GONNA BLOW GAME 6 AND 7!!”
These pink bats are obnoxious. I love what they stand for, but if you are wearing pink gloves, pink shoes, pink wristbands, pink necklaces,and using a pink bat…I am pretty sure everyone knows how you feel about your mom. Maybe use a regular colored bat to remind yourself you still need to hit the ball.
Dad: This is fun. It reminds me of 1986 through 2007.
Is it just me…? Or does Logan Schafer always look like he just humped his best friends wife. Anyone who always has a $h!t eating grin on their face every minute of every day is up to something. Well, at least up to something other than hitting the ball exclusively into the infield.
Dad: Alex Gonzalez. You are a disappointment. Why don’t you get a horse, and move to the mountains where you can’ t bother me any more?
Hope you enjoyed these. This time they were less “Deep Thoughts”-ish and more along the lines of the two old guys from The Muppets, who would sit in the balcony and heckle everyone. Either way, I had a lot of fun and a lot of Rum. A special thank you to my Mom, love you!! Thank you Dad for being you. And an extra special thanks to Sailor Jerry. You know what you did…