3 Brews, Deep Thoughts: “First Half” Edition

“Hey man, have you seen this show “Wilfred”? Frodo sees a guy in a dog suit, but everyone else…sees a dog!!!”Photo: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

If I took one thing from the Reviewing the Brew weekend, it is that the biggest fans of these articles…are the staff of RtB.  The problem is that I only tend to get really drunk on…soda (wink) when we get swept.  Luckily for Colin, Justin, Ben, and Curt…my 30^th Birthday is on Tuesday (tomorrow, once this is published).  Therefore, my family party was held on Sunday.  Just in time to see if the Brewers could sneak at least one win from the D’Backs.  Which they did, but not before I got loaded on Rum and Amber Ale. 

These are a little longer winded than my usual fare because I could not record my thoughts during the game until about the 7^th inning.  That means a lot of this stuff came out of me after the game last night.  So, for the last time on this side of the MLB season…here are some Deep Thoughts.

• Ryan Braun is getting a lifetime ban for his role in the BioGenesis scandal, per ESPN.  In other realistic news, ‘Sharknado’ is leading the pack in Vegas for Oscar nominations.  ESPN is the TMZ of sports, but ESPN does less reporting.  I know this, because no other sports news outlet dares to report anything they can’t back up.  Not the Mickey Mouse Sports Network though… 

• Ron Roenicke might be the nicest guy ever.  Which in everyday life is a good thing, but as a baseball manager it is a huge problem.  I have never seen a manager leave the dugout to talk to an ump every other day and never get thrown out.  What are they talking about?  Fishing?  The girl in the 4^th row, section 106?  Their mutual love of Metamucil and Matlock?  Because it cannot possibly be about baseball.  The numbers just do not add up.  50 visits to the Ump, and 50 trips back to his cubby hole!!  Maybe we should replace Roenicke with a kitty.  Same results on the field, same tenacity in the dugout, same amount of respect from the umps.  Problem solved.    

• How come we still have players?  The All-Star game is Tuesday and we still have our entire roster intact!!  Come on Uncle Mark and Doug, stop clinging to what will never be.  You are acting like my 9^th grade girlfriend.  No matter how many times I tell you we will never work out, you just sit in your room writing my last name onto the end of your first name in a red spirograph notebook.  This season isn’t going to work out.  So stop clinging to what will never be.  A wise friend of mine recommends you ‘Kill Your Darlings’.  He is right, so get to it. 

• If Wily Peralta keeps pitching like he did this past month, he can drop the other “L” from his first name.  Wiy (pronounced “Wee”) Peralta could go on to win the Cy Young.  No more L’s for that guy.  Now Brewers fans can start chanting “Wee, Wee, Wee…”

• No one pissed me off more in the first half of the season than Rickie Weeks.  RW is like a half dead mosquito.  Not good enough at his job to inflict actual pain, but not terrible enough for me to completely ignore.

• Jean Segura deserves to be an All-Star, but we better pray to the god of small market baseball teams that he does not fall in love with NYC this week.  That could spell future disaster…

• Do you think that Yuniesky Betancourt just sits in the dugout waiting to be handed a pink slip?  If I was him for the next 6 weeks, I would get to the park a little late…maybe lay low somewhere…stash a beer in the janitor’s closet.  His days are numbered, partly because of his play…nah, just kidding it’s all because of his play.  If what he does can even be considered “play”. 

• When Paul Goldschmidt was a kid, I bet all of his friends called him Gold…(insert naughty word for poop).

• Boy Martin Maldonado has really been sucking under the radar.  They just flashed his batting average and I almost shot a mixture of rum, ginger ale and lemonade out of my nose…do you have any idea how much that would have hurt?  The answer is, not more than it must hurt Maldonado to hit the baseball…otherwise he would probably do it more.

• Who flipped the switch on Logan Schafer?  All of a sudden that guy is fricking Craig Biggio!  He gets beaned a few times and you put him in an Astros jersey, you may not even be able to tell the difference!!

• Am I the only one who thinks Mike Gonzalez’s delivery makes him look like he is doing some sort of penguin mating dance?  (my Dad agreed on that one)

• Aramis Ramirez looks like a guy who is hoping to get traded.  I haven’t seen a tank job go this well since Tiananmen Square.  (Look it up kids, important reference)