RtB Fake News: Axford’s Secret Weapon is…Beaver Tails

Every player in baseball has some kind of superstition.  Whether it was Mickey Mantle and his burnt eggs, or Jorge Posada and the peeing on his hands…thing, and my personal favorite is Wade Boggs writing the Hebrew word “Chai” in the batters box before every at-bat.  Baseball is riddled with superstition and rituals.  Perhaps one of our stars has one of these that we did not know about until now.

Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford, has burst on the scene as one of the most dominant closers in all of baseball.  What is the secret to his success?  Perhaps this, is the answer…

Thanks to John’s diligence and love for Twitter, we may have stumbled on to something more amazing than we could have imagined.  Below you will find a picture of Mr. Axford enjoying, what appears to be, a beavers tail.  In fact, John admits it in the Tweet.  Could beaver not only be his secret weapon, but the secret weapon of an entire country?  What if all Canadians harness their power from the dam building rodents flat tail?  Is this a national conspiracy?   

Naturally, in order to find answers, I went straight to Google.  That is the place one goes when stricken with strange stomach pains at the thought of a certain cuisine.  Isat down and typed in “Beaver Tail Recipes”.  Turns out there are more than a few recipes for the bucked tooth creature.  The choices range from beaver tail soup to pickled beaver tail.  The Canadians may have stumbled onto the secret of true happiness.  Perhaps that is why Canada, as a whole, is very…zen.  By gnawing on, what I assume to be, a jerky-like sphere.

Then something happened during my studies.  Turns out my typing becomes sloppy from time to time.  That lead to something a bit less disgusting, also called a “Beavertail”.  You see the difference is, I separated it into two words initially.  When you look up beavertail, you find a delicious looking pastry.  This particular pastry happens to have the elegant shape, of the aforementioned beaver tail.

BeaverTails is a company out of Ottawa, Canada.  They specialize in BeaverTails.  Basically, a BT is a flat donut full of butter and any other type of topping your heart can desire.  I would imagine chocolate, caramel, nuts, maybe some fruit.  Here’s the thing though, all I can do is speculate.  Sadly, I am not Canadian and have only been to Vancouver…which seems an awful lot like Seattle.  Therefore, I do not think it counts. 

Why don’t we have BT’s here in the U.S.?  It seems to me, that this is the type of delicious treat our country would go berserk over.  I mean we have literally stolen every other type of food found on this planet, how come we have not ripped off this delicious treat.  Nothing would please me more than going to my local bakery and picking up a BeaverTail, but I can’t do that.  Give us your delicious deep fried treat you hilarious, overly nice people, with devastating fastballs!!!

John Axford is so successful because he knows that he has something that very few other major leaguers have access too.  Ax is able to enjoy something so exclusive, that it instantly makes him better than the rest of us.  If I had tha type of confidence, I could probably save 45 games a season too.

My friends, the only way you are getting your hands on this super-Canadian food, is to get up there and boost their tourism economy.

On a side note, I wonder how he would do against the Blue Jays?  They would have access to this super treat as well.  Might be interesting.

I am just glad that John is not eating actual Beaver.  For some reason I envision that the tail would be the worst part, of an actual beaver, to eat.  That does not change the fact that I now crave a BeaverTail and can not have one.  I am simply not cool enough.

Yet…