It is with great pride that I induct this man into our inaugural class of the “Hall of Brewers We Won’t Miss”.
This man was my personal favorite, which is why I nominated him. Based on the voting, I was not alone in my spite and bitterness.
For those of you coming in late, here is what started all of this:
This is a 5 week project, in which 5 select individuals will nominate two former Brewers as candidates for “The Hall”. At the end of those 5 weeks, RtB will put up a poll in order to induct 2 players in to the first ever class of the “Hall of Brewers We Won’t Miss”.
In my humble opinion, there was never a doubt that he would be a first ballot Hall of Won’t Misser.
Since this is not the Hall of Fame, I thought it would be pointless to write a fake speech on his behalf. So, I decided I would write an obituary for him instead. That seems appropriate since we are, more or less, laying him to rest.
Jeff was a good man, excellent father, terrific friend, and the worst pitcher, per dollar, the Brewers have had in the past 2 decades. He was acquired for his playoff prowess, only to self-destruct in his lone Brewers postseason appearance. By the time Suppan left Milwaukee, his career was in ruins. The former NLCS MVP, reduced to rubble by a monster contract and 3 plus years of piss-poor performances.
Suppan was the Joker to my Batman, the fly to my ointment, the Tom Cruise to my marriage. Hate is a strong word, but most appropriate for how I loathed this man every time he even got near the pitchers mound.
When I was going to a lot of Brewers games (’07 and ’08), I would map out games that he would not be pitching in. Not so much because I did not want to see him pitch, but because I did not want other Brewers fans to have to listen to me shout profanities at him from my seat. I did that for you Brewers fans, because some of you genuinely liked that glorified tee-ball stand.
At some point, Jeff should have grown a mustache. That beard never did him any favors, so why not go with the official facial hair choice of the organization. If he would have donned a mustache, perhaps my complete and total discontent for him would be nothing more than a mild nuisance. Let’s be real, mustaches seem to make everything, at the very least, a little bit better. But without a mustache, you are nothing more than Grizzly Adams chucking apples at a bear in the woods…just for Millions of dollars that you never really earned.
A good friend of mine once told me that Jeff Suppan was a poor man’s Greg Maddux, just with worse approach, command, and overall ability. In my mind, that makes Suppan a homeless man’s Greg Maddux. That is how I will remember Jeff. As a homeless Greg Maddux.
In all honesty, I created the Hall of Brewers We Won’t Miss so that Jeff Suppan could be in it. He is the poster child for everything that Brewers fans have come to loathe about this organization during the early to mid 2000’s. Big contracts with little to no results. Jeff Suppan IS the Hall of Brewers We Won’t Miss. When we attempt to nominate two more players into this club next year, they will all be measured by Jeff Suppan and his ability to suck the life out of an entire fan base. Good luck, future nominees. You are going to need it.
Congratulations on this blatantly fake honor Jeff. You earned it. May you rest in peace…in San Diego.
Check back in tomorrow as I unveil our 2nd inductee. No one will be surprised…
On a personal note, I would just like to offer my heart and soul to the victims of the tragedy that took place in Colorado over the weekend. I have personal attachments to 3 of the victims, two of whom died on Friday. The pain that I feel, can not even begin to compare to how some of my friends and most of the state of Colorado must feel. Tragedies of this nature are hard to wrap your brain around, but we can not let them change how we live our lives. That can not be stressed enough. I would encourage everyone to continue going to the movies. Film is one of America’s greatest art forms, and the Dark Knight Rises is a beautiful piece of art. Please be good to each other, because in the end…that is all we have.