THIS. This actually happened.
Some sort of person stole the Italian Racing Sausage – Guido to his compadres – from the (sigh) Curling Club in Cedarburg last week. This story just went public today apparently.
Either this is one of the most far-reaching publicity stunts in the history of sausage, curling, and racing – or this is undeniably the most Milwaukee thing that has ever happened since the influx of German immigrants to the Midwest.
There are so many things at play here that says it’s a PR story – but I think I know enough about us as a culture to know that an actual theft of a foam rubber sausage suit is precisely the sort of thing that embodies the Cream City’s population. Let’s break it down the way a detective might, by way of deductive reasoning.
Well, there’s only two reasons every guy (and I can only assume a guy would do this) do anything in life: he was under the influence of alcohol or he was trying to impress a lady friend.
Of course he was drunk. Because why else would anyone steal that? You can’t go anywhere dressed like a sausage in a chef’s hat and not draw attention, and I can only assume that the outer shell of Guido would take up considerable space in any room or closet. None of that would come to mind when a drunk guy stumbles upon a Sausage Suit late in the afternoon after a long day of watching curling.
Which is another reason why I knew a drunk person did it – because he was watching curling. I watched curling in the Vancouver Olympics for about ten minutes and I had three beers just trying to figure out what, exactly, I was watching.
Oh, that and the fact that the dude WENT BAR-HOPPING IN A SAUSAGE SUIT. Until Midnight. And, the Milwaukee metro area being what it is, nobody found this the slightest bit weird.In a city literally drowning in sausage and beer, what’s one more I suppose.
The fact that a year’s supply of mustard is up for grabs as a reward is – well, mustard on the sausage I guess. It all just seems like a lot of intricacies in order to drum up interest in what seems like a cursory event in the first place. I mean of all the things to make a big deal about in the name of public imagery – this might be one of the biggest. And that’s just about as Milwaukee as it gets.
But, hoax or no hoax, I want in on this. If you have tips as to the whereabouts of Guido, pictures or a more definitive timeline email us here. If you can help us cover this most Milwaukee of occasions, we would be forever indebted to you.