2014 Milwaukee Brewers Facial Hair Check-up

Yo! You are so close. Just bridge the gap across your upper lip. Photo: Rick Scuteri-USA TODAY Sports

Let me preface this by saying that I do not count 5 o’clock shadows, chin scruff, or beards that are trimmed to have clean and clear lines. Sure those things are all technically facial hair, but they are the lowest forms of facial hair commitment. The Milwaukee Brewers are an organization flush with some of the greatest hirsute lips and faces of the past 5 decades, with guys like Gorman Thomas, Robin Yount, Pete Vuckovich, Rollie Fingers, and most recently John Axford.

As Spring Training rolls into its second full week, there seems to be a complete and total lack of lip sweaters and Grizzly Adams’ beards…and it is causing me a great deal of stress. So I wanted to take a minute and put the team in check.

Pitchers:

You guys all seem to have some sort of chin related facial accessory. Congratulations…you are a pretty girl in a room full of pretty girls.  Rob Wooten, Yovani Gallardo, Matt Garza, Marco Estrada, and Kyle Lohse all have some variation of the soul patch chin.  Now, for those of you playing a long at home, I could grow facial hair on my chin when I was 15 years old. The first form of facial hair I ever had were some scraggly, pathetic, chin hairs. Let’s up the ante guys. I find it hard to believe that not a one of you is able to rock a full on beard. So for the love of Hank (the Brewers new team dog), break the mold guys. You can’t all look like late 90’s high schoolers.  Someone do a throwback to the 70’s…or even the 80’s if that is your thing. At this point I would welcome a strange, pencil thin mustache just gracing the tip of your upper lip. I applaud you guys leading the way in facial hair research and development, but now it is time to up your game.

Catchers:

Jon Lucroy is the closest thing we have to a full beard…but it is SO neat and clean that I feel like his wife trims it for him. This makes his beard seem soulless and dead to the world. While I do not have a clear enough picture of Martin Maldonado to base this off of, it does seem like he is also rocking the pitching staff chin bush. I do recognize that it is hard to have a full beard as a catcher.  The catcher’s mask rubbing on months of unkempt face follicles, can be problematic. In fact, not one of the games “greatest” catchers ever sported facial hair: Johnny Bench, Yogi Berra, Pudge Rodriguez, Carlton Fisk, Gary Carter, and so on.  The only two catchers I could think of who rocked sweet facial hair were Mike Piazza and Thurman Munson. Normally this would entitle you to a free pass, but Jon…you are already half-way there. Just finish the job. Think wilderness hiking guide beard…by the end of the season I want to see Grizzly Lucroy.

Infield:

Haha. This is sad. Aramis Ramirez, smooth as a baby’s bottom. Jean Segura, little dabble of chin hair but not enough to count.  Scooter Gennett, blond hair and barely old enough to drink…no chance.  Rickie Weeks, too much focus on morphing into the Predator monster. First base, don’t know and don’t care. You guys need to all start growing beards now. If we are lucky, there is a 50% chance that by the time we roll into the World Series the infield might look like a group of cabin owning, axe wielding lumberjacks. Although there is only a 10% chance of that.

Outfield:

You guys are worse than the infield!!! Ryan Braun‘s 5 o’clock shadow makes it look like he is actually losing sleep over his “mistakes”, not likely.  Khris Davis has nothing and Carlos Gomez will probably sport a little chin tuft before too long. Then you have to include Logan Schafer and Caleb Gindl…so sad. Outfield, I want each of you to go out and pick a famous mustache from any era in time. Then I want you to stick it up in your locker and aspire to that lip ornament. Might I recommend the old west for inspiration. A major overhaul is needed in our outfield.

Coaches:

Rather than setting the tone for this organizations facial hair, the coaching staff has decided to sit this one out for the most part. However, if it wasn’t for Ed Sedar this team would have NO facial hair on their upper lips…NONE!! That dude has been sporting the same goatee since the Reagan administration. If he was not on this staff, our team would arguably be the least hairy team in baseball.

This is the worst assortment of middle school facial hair I have ever seen. As a man who appreciates the artistry and care that goes into lush facial hair, I am beyond upset by the lack of mustachery. This organization was founded by men who loved the feeling of the wind tearing through their coarse lip sweaters. To have only one man amongst you with hair protecting his nostrils integrity…is disappointing to say the least. Fix it. You are better than this.

In closing, you failed this check-up. Try and do better than 1 person next time.