John Axford’s Mustache Facts
By Lou Olsen
Good Sunday Brewskies. This week I thought it would be fun for me to explore the lore of John’s mustache. In order to understand why I am doing this, you must first understand me. I am a man who is envious of a good mustache, for you see I can not grow my own. Facial hair is every man’s right and privilege, so when I see a man with a wonderful mustache I grow sick with envy. Maybe envy isn’t the right word, perhaps longing is more appropriate. Anyway, the first time I saw John Axford walk out of the bullpen I knew that there was more to the story of that mustache.
As I began to research the mustache, I couldn’t help but notice that it has it’s own Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/John-Axfords-Mustache/124222330940439. You may notice there is no Info in the Info tab…….the plot thickens. The truth of the matter is that the mustache seems to have appeared out of nowhere. There is no record of it’s registry in the mustache archives of Zurich, nor is there a date of birth on record. Where did this mustache come from? I consulted my brother-in-law, who is much smarter than me, on what I could do to find the information I desired.
My brother-in-law said that he would need some time to do research and run some tests. You see, he lives in Wisconsin and has more access to reference materials on the mustache in question. I waited patiently for his response. On Tuesday he called me with some news. He said, ” I have only seen one other case of such exquisite facial hair…….” That is what lead me to Chuck Norris.
You would be surprised how many facts you can find about that guy. They all seem pretty impressive. This got me thinking, what does Chuck Norris have that Ax’s mustache doesn’t have. So, without further adieu I present:
John Axford’s Mustache Facts
–John Axford’s mustache can tell time in 27 countries
– John Axford’s mustache has 2 ex-wives
– John Axford’s mustache has a self-destruct code that only Rollie Fingers knows
– John Axford’s mustache collects faberge eggs
– John Axford’s mustache always Fordes the river when he plays Oregon Trail
– John Axford’s mustache once saw a cheetah with three legs
– John Axford’s mustache can smell fear
– John Axford’s mustache is an accomplished archer
– John Axford’s mustache isn’t hard on the ladies
– John Axford’s mustache has his own color swatch at Sherwin-Williams, Winchester Oak
– John Axford’s mustache has never seen ‘The Godfather’
– John Axford’s mustache has glasses, but chooses not to wear them
– John Axford’s mustache loves his iced tea with lime instead of lemon
– John Axford’s mustache moisturizes
This is just the beginning. I will not rest until I have uncovered as much information as possible about Ax’s mustache. Many questions will be answered; Does it have super powers? Is it a form of currency in parts of Europe? Was it originally cast as Gizmo in ‘Gremlins’? My brother-in-law will continue to run tests and send me copies of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and of course Wisconsin’s finest newspaper the Kenosha News. It is my mission to separate the fact from the fiction. I will keep you posted on any new developments. Until next time, Clay Matthews for NFL MVP!!!!!