John Axford’s Mustache Facts: A New Hope
By Lou Olsen
When last we spoke of Mr. Axford’s mustache, my courageous brother-in-law (who has asked to remain nameless, so from now on I will call him Snick) was travelling the globe in search of more facts about the greatest mustache in all the greater Milwaukee metro area. A mustache, that lives shrouded in secrecy. My quest for knowledge led me to a meet up with Snick in a Peruvian jungle, where we needed to retrieve a golden idol. The natives believed the idol held special powers that could lead us to the information we needed. As we headed to our waiting seaplane, a team of adventurers (obviously looking for Carl Pavano mustache facts, I know a Twinkie when I see one) demanded that we give them the idol. Surrounded and outnumbered we were forced to give up the idol. After a close call with the natives we were able to escape on our seaplane.
Once we arrived home, things get a little hazy. I know there were some Nazi’s and they were looking for the ark of the mustache covenant (Rollie Fingers). This had little to do with us, so Snick and I went about our day. I went to the library to search for the origin of the mustache. After hours of searching we were no closer to the knowledge we craved. Is his mustache the great grandson of Val Kilmer’s mustache in ‘Tombstone’? Does it have a cleaning lady? So many questions, but those Carl Pavano mustache jerks took our golden idol. Let’s skip some of the middle stuff and jump to us getting the idol back. Trust me, there was some stuff in the middle about Indiana Jones me running into an old girlfriend and you wouldn’t like that part of the story.
We were able to regain the idol, which was great. Then we got greedy and decided that we should try and get the ark of the mustache covenant too. After some fist fighting, we went to Cairo and took it from the Nazi’s. As we sat on our boat, heading back to London. The Germans came and took it back, but they gave us some beer and pretzels, so it was hard to stay mad. Then I threatened to blow up the ark with a bazooka. Didn’t do it, so Snick and I were captured. Bad guys open the ark and they turn to dust. Little did they know that Snick, Danny Ocean, and I had switched the ark during the beer and pretzel exchange. The ark we gave them was a crate full of pictures of Rollie Fingers without his mustache.
After three days, someone finally stumbled upon……..wherever we were. The first thing we did was head for the ark of the mustache covenant. Snick, Danny Ocean and I stood over the ark and wondered what would happen when we opened it. I grabbed the top of the crate and flung it open…………nothing happened. It was just a piece of paper that contained MORE JOHN AXFORD MUSTACHE FACTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More……John Axford’s Mustache Facts
–John Axford’s mustache takes his coffee with cream only
– John Axford’s mustache always flies first class, while John has to sit in coach
– John Axford’s mustache is next in line for Hurricane names, Hurricane John Axford’s Mustache
– John Axford’s mustache used to date Meg Ryan’s sister
– John Axford’s mustache is a semi-professional ballroom dancer
– John Axford’s mustache always pays in cash
– John Axford’s mustache talked to a stranger……..once
– John Axford’s mustache celebrates ‘Mustache Appreciation Day’ every November 5th
– John Axford’s mustache likes his croissants with strawberry preserves
– John Axford’s mustache can double as an emergency oil filter
– John Axford’s mustache loves 1980’s girl band Wilson Phillips
– John Axford’s mustache does not know how to tie a shoelace
– John Axford’s mustache is afraid of heights
– John Axford’s mustache is weatherproof
After sharing these with you, we had the transcript sent someplace safe where it can be handled by top men.
If you have not figured out that I ripped off most of Raiders of the Lost Ark by now, then you should really check out that movie. For those of you wondering who Danny Ocean is, check out Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13. Snick and I have vowed to continue our search for more mustache facts. I can’t be sure, but I feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg. We will not rest until we know more about the mustache than anyone who has come before us. A special thanks to John Axford for letting us continue our research. Until next time, welcome to Milwaukee Shaun Marcum.