John Axford Mustache Facts: All-Star Edition


There are many things that I’ve always wanted to do with my life. Some of them (professional athlete, astronaut, rock star) are never going to happen. But there is one thing I thought I could do; something that does symbolize the true measure of a man. That is, of course, growing a mustache.

That’s why I was so excited when I signed on to Reviewing the Brew, because Lou told me we would honor one of the greatest mustaches ever to grace Miller Park. That mustache being the one that sits so gracefully on the face of John Axford. It took me a long time filled with study and rumination, but i have finally discovered a short but sweet batch of vital information regarding John Axford’s mustache for your entertainment.

John Axford’s Mustache wrote the script for Jurassic Park.

John Axford’s Mustache is the Brewers backup closer.

John Axford’s Mustache can grow a mustache.

John Axford’s Mustache is on S.E.A.L. Team Three, Six, and Four.

John Axford’s Mustache does not get trimmed. Instead, the individual hairs bare-knuckle box for the right to stay in the mustache.

John Axford’s Mustache has a Hall of Fame vote.

The curls in John Axford’s Mustache correspond perfectly with the Fibonacci sequence.

John Axford does not have hair, just auxiliary Mustaches.

John Axford’s Mustache was part of the original Justice League.

John Axford’s Mustache is the sous chef at Ryan Braun’s restaurant.

John Axford’s Mustache could throw a perfect game, he just doesn’t want to.

John Axford’s Mustache was banned from the World Beard and Mustache Championships for the sake of fair competition.

John Axford tried to grow a beard, but it was absorbed by his mustache.

John Axford’s Mustache contains trace amounts of Unobtainium.

John Axford’s Mustache finished second in the polls for Premiere of Ontario.

That’s all I have for you today. Remember to keep cheering for Prince in the Home Run Derby, he still has a shot. Also, stay tuned here for some fun All-Star Game stuff tomorrow. Go Brewers and go National All-Stars!