Brewers Fake News: Team Announces Ban of Adult Scissors in Clubhouse


In the wake of a recent “freak” injury that took place yesterday.  The Milwaukee Brewers organization has formally banned all scissors that do not possess rounded tips.  To think, at this point in the season this team can not be trusted with something as simple as scissors.  With all that this team has accomplished, they now must revert to the days of construction paper and eating glue.  Below is an artist’s rendering of the new “Brewers Standard Issue” locker room scissors.

In order for us to understand this new era of safety, we must first look at the incident in question.  Prior to Tuesday night’s 5-3 Brewers victory, starting pitcher Chris Narveson was doing some trimming on his glove.  Normally this would not seem out of the ordinary, however he was not scheduled to start, so what need did he have for a glove?  During the course of this trimming, Narveson’s hand slipped and he cut open his thumb.  Initially, Chris thought it was nothing but a surface scratch, but on further review the cut needed 8 stitches to hold it together.

Now, if this were his glove hand, it would not be nearly the issue it is today.  Since it is on his pitching hand, Brewers management needs to protect it’s players.  One of the key pieces to this pitching rotation will miss time, due a completely avoidabole situation.  Can anyone blame the Brewers for bringing in this new regime of scissors?

Early this morning I was able to get a quick statement from the new Head of Brewers Locker Room Safety, Brian Sweeney:

"My job is to keep players safe.  If that means we have to bubble pad the lockers, so be it.  This new scissors rule is something that should have been in place years ago.  This organization prides itself on keeping its players healthy and happy.  How can they do that when there are sharp edges everywhere?  What about all of the cleaning supplies under the bathroom sink?  Someone needs to be here to make sure these grown men stay out of harm’s way.  The Brewers reached out to me, knowing full well that my title of “Child Proof Guru” could be manipulated into something that can help a winning ball club stay in tip-top shape.  This morning I will meet with the trainer and find out about allergies and some of the children’s…err players injury history."

There is still no word on how long Narveson will be out of the starting rotation.  But, after talking with Mr. Sweeney, I feel as if this team will have no further injuries taking place in the locker room.  One can only hope that this safety measure is soon adopted by all MLB teams.  Once again, the Brewers are paving the way for future generations of club house safety.