Greatest Brewers Mustaches of All Time: #5

We all grew up with Bernie, he is practically family.  I am pretty sure most of us remember when he used to have a wooden cube on top of some scaffolding in Vaughn’s Valley.  The slide wasn’t even a slide, it was just a ramp into an endless pint of beer.  It was a simpler time, it was also the worst of times.  Things have changed, Bern is doing an awful lot of sliding this year.  The current Brewers hot streak has Bernie on the cusp of returning to the playoffs for the second time in four seasons.  Bernie has been there through the good times and the bad, and his mustache has been right there with him.

LO:  What makes this mustache so impressive?  Is it the fact that this mustache has stood the test of time?

CB: Bernie’s mustache being one of the best in Brewers history makes sense – his mustache is a call back to the history of fine facial hair of the past while still flowing outward into an uncertain future. It works with the rest of his delightfully uber-German appearance, and though it may not strike fear in the hearts of his opponents, it does strike envy I’m sure. Do you think anyone wishes they looked more like FredBird? It is a brilliantly crafted lip sweater that impresses not only with size and symmetry, but the flaxen-haired mustache stands as an ideal, like the Greek sculptures of old.

LO:  Maybe Bern deserves to be higher on our list than #5, but we have to keep in mind that his mustache is not real.  It isn’t rough, yet satisfying to the touch.  It is soft and…yellow.  While it makes up for that in shear size (roughly 3 feet from curl to curl), Bernie is certainly one of the most iconic mustachioed mascots in baseball today.  He deserves your love and admiration, but he understands if your children are afraid of him initially.  Any man with a mustache would.  Lynda, do you like this choice?

LS: Bernie Brewer:  excellent choice as the #5 best mustache in Brewers history.  The mustache has stood the test of time; with the varying degrees of mustaches through the decades, it has never faltered, never changed. Through the wind, rain, and snow days of County Stadium, it has remained perfect.  And if you look closely, there’s no hair out of place, and most importantly, not a single strand of gray.  Unbelievable!

LO: Clearly this is an open/shut case, we all like Bernie at #5.  That really only leaves one other question, does the mustache make Bernie a better mascot?

CB: Of course Bernie’s mustache makes him a better mascot. In fact, it might make him the BEST mascot. Here’s why: Imagine something, just anything. Now, put a mustache on it. IT IS IMMEDIATELY MORE BAD-ASS. Doesn’t matter what it is: a shark, an eagle, a toddler, or Barbara Streisand. A mustache tells the world that you, my friend, are not to be messed with.

LS: There is one word for that: perfection

LO: I certainly can not argue that slapping a mustache on something makes it better.  This theory has been tested throughout time, and succeeded with flying colors.  Just look at what it did for Val Kilmer in “Tombstone”, could anyone really picture ‘Iceman’ as an old west mad man?  No.  You slap a mustache on him, bam!!  1886 ass-kicker.  Lynda is right, mascot perfection.

Shawn Anderson is a very good friend of our site.  He runs the wildly popular Hall of Very Good and also contributes to The American Mustache Institutes Blog.  I have brought him in to be our “Resident Stache Specialist.  After each of the top 5 we will get an overview from a man who studies baseball, while admiring face foliage on a regular basis.  Who better to share his wisdom with us…

The beautiful thing about Bernie Brewer’s mustache is not the glorious yellow lip sweater itself…but the seemingly drunken smile that it hangs above.  And yes, I’m calling the Colonel DeBeers lookalike a drunk.  Think about it, without alcohol entering the equation, there’s no other explanation behind a full grown adult in lederhosen, hurling his body down a waterless water slide to celebrate a home run. But I digress. If you ask me (and you did), Bernie Brewer’s mustache is one of the three finest mascot mustaches in baseball history…right up there with Mr. Redlegs and Mario.  You remember Mario Super Sluggers, right?  Yeah, I didn’t either…I had to look it up.

Well, I think we are off to a great start.  Be sure to check back on Friday to find out who is #4 on our list.  Also, just a quick reminder that if you, or someone you know, lacks ballgame etiquette…you need to read Lynda’s article from this weekend.  It is always good to get a refresher every now and again.  None of us are without sin on this list.