John Axford…by Calvin Klein?
By Lou Olsen
This week, friend of our site and Lord of the Mustaches, John Axford was interviewed by Forbes about his “brand”. As I watched the interview (if you have not yet, here you go), I could not help but laugh. Not because I don’t believe in John, or his ability to be a fantastic promotional piece for given products. I laughed because I started to envision a world filled with John Axford products. More specifically, some of the more ridiculous things that a man of his talents might endorse. So here is something a little different…
You all know that we love John here at RtB. The guy is basically our site mascot, his mustache put us on the map. Nothing would make me happier than to see him be successful on the field and at the bank. That being said, here are a few things that John should consider staying away from endorsing.
John Axford’s Do Not Endorse List:
1) Cologne – Now, this needs to be fine tuned a bit. What I mean more specifically is, what my title implies. Do not allow yourself to be “the face” of the cologne. If you knew how many times I laugh out loud when I see cologne that is just named after a dude. Antonio Banderas, David Beckham, Tim McGraw, and my personal favorite…Justin Bieber Someday Fragrance for women. Don’t join this list of people that I laugh at. Something tells me you would be better off making a men’s cologne…but don’t do it. No matter how many times Calvin Klein calls, he needs to know that you are ok with your own t-shirt line, but the cologne is out of the question. If Chanel asks you to do a steamy love scene with Olivia Wilde to promote some ladies fragrance, forget everything I just said and take it. No one will blame you.
2) Rogaine – First of all, no one will believe that you use Rogaine. A man with a beautiful and well-crafted mustache may inspire men to use Rogaine, just not on their head. From what I understand, Rogaine is not to be used on the face(some one can let me know if that is ture or not). If you throw your beautiful lip warmers up on billboards for Rogaine, it will create a backlash the company could have never foreseen. Men the world over, will be rocking stout thick mustaches. But in the end, Rogaine will go under due to dragging world mustache markets. So, don’t just stay away for yourself John, do Rogaine a solid too. This one is a no-go.
3) FreeCreditScore.com – If I ever see you on one of these commercials, a piece of my soul may die. You might create a Horcrux for me (sorry, I watched the last Harry Potter movie last night…couldn’t help myself). Those commercials are terrible. At least the song used to be kind of catchy, but now this new band is awful and at some point they are going to get the can. Maybe FCS.com comes a knocking trying to gather up a band of MLB closers to signify how FCS.com will protect you when you need it most…like a closer. Just say no! As a man with an education in Film, surely you can see why I am steering you clear of these advertisements. Poorly made, no real concept, and conflict? Forget about it.
4) Madden 2013 – Thanks to pretty much every person who has graced the cover of this video game, since I was a kid, there is a supposed curse on the person who poses on the cover. It almost always comes to pass, which is even scarier. Now, I doubt this one will even be on the table, but weirder things have happened. Keanu Reeves has done Shakespeare….sooo. Don’t fall victim to the Madden curse buddy. However, if the folks over at MLB 2013 come a knocking after you win World Series MVP, take that money and run!!
5) State Farm – Just because Aaron Rodgers and LeBron James did it, does not make it ok for you to do it. I already know what the commercial would be. You would walk into your State Farm agents office and he would have your signature fu manchu gracing his unworthy face. Then a random couple would walk by, both man and woman rocking the same fu manchu. They would thank the agent for giving them a “discount double-check”, and they would stroke their magnificent face decorations as they say “discount double-check”. It’s bad enough that they got away with it once on a Wisconsin state hero, but I will be damned if they get it a second time. Now your commercial could also be crappy and forgettable like LeBron’s was. Either way, it is a lose-lose situation my friend. You should do one of those Allstate Mayhem commercials…at least those are amusing. Your mustache creates mayhem all the time, it’s an easy transition.
No matter what else you decide to endorse John, just remember that having your own brand gives you amazing power. To quote one of my favorite superhero movies, “With great power, comes great responsibility”. Remember that John, Uncle Ben may have died in the first five-minutes…but he was a pretty smart guy. People will always be throwing money at you, but you are an artist so just be careful. You will always have the support of your friends here at RtB.