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The Real (Fake) Reasons the Brewers Are Struggling


A few days ago, we had a wonderful conversation with J.P. Breen – one of the head honchos over at Disciples of Uecker– via Twitter. (You should follow him, and us by the way) Basically, we went back and forth sharing stories of what fans tell us is the real reason that certain players are having a hard time playing up to their potential.

It was hilarious, and inspiring. I did some research, and uncovered a few startling facts as to why the Brewers find themselves on the wrong side of .500.

Reasons marked with an asterisk (*) are “legitimate” reasons given by Brewers fans

Yovani Gallardo is struggling because he is focusing too much on his haircut, and not enough on

locating his fastball.*

John Axford’s Instagram account is interfering with his work schedule.

Rickie Weeks is hitting badly because he misses Prince Fielder, his BFF.*

John Axford focuses too much on his facial hair, and it causes him to lose focus.*

  • Jonathan Lucroy really broke his hand in a bar fight, and the team is covering it up.*
  • Nyjer Morgan is playing worse this year because he’s on medication.*

    The Brewers lineup is struggling because bench coach Jerry Narron is focused more on his calligraphy than setting the match-ups.

    The team is distracted by having to teach Norichika Aoki English.*

    Shaun Marcum went on the DL because he was jealous of the attention that Zack Greinke was getting.

  • Ron Roenicke’s strategy has been hampered by the fact that the lights around Miller Park were brighter when the opponents were batting, and LaRussa ruined his advantage.
  • Practices are delayed due the fact that Cody Ransom and Cesar Izturis frequently doze off.

    Ryan Braun was secretly giving EVERYONE PED’s, and the lack of production this year proves it.*

  • Randy Wolf lost last night because he really, really liked having a personal catcher.
  • John Axford is pitching poorly to spite the Brewers for not giving him an extension.*

    Rickie Weeks’ dreadlocks weigh him down too much to play effectively.

    Mark Kotsay was the glue that held a championship team together.

    Jose Veras is a voodoo witch doctor who cursed the Brewers because he actually wants the Pirates to win the division.

    Ron Roenicke is purposely having the team play poorly so he can move his son up to the Major Leagues faster.

    Mark Attanasio wants to move back to California, so he’s trying to devalue the team to sell*

    The Illuminati has long favored the St. Louis Cardinals, and they put pressure on Milwaukee to throw the 2012 season in a conspiracy that goes all the way to Bud Selig

    Obviously, these are all pretty silly. But when a team is struggling, you’ll reach for anything that seems like an acceptable answer as to how the team can get turned around.

    There’s a lot of reasons why Major League teams actually struggle. Most often, it’s a combination of team chemistry, momentum, luck, and mental preparation. Sometimes, they just plain can’t get it together. That’s a hard thing to wrap your brain around sometimes – professional ballplayers are supposed to make the game look easy, and when they make it difficult to watch it makes you lose a sense of rationality. Don’t do that.

    Anyways, if you have any secret reasons that the Brewers are struggling, please leave them in the comments below. Let’s get these out in the open – the more we know, the more we can help.

    (Thanks again to J.P. Breen for helping to inspire this article!)