I know it’s Christmas Eve, but if you’re anything like me you’ve waited until the very last minute to make up a list of great gift ideas for friends and family.
Today, as a service to out loyal readers, I’ve taken the liberty of doing your last-minute shopping for the Brewers fans in your life. Below is a small sample of some of the finest merchandise you get for that person you see only once or twice a year and don’t really know anything about except that they like baseball.
It may not seem like a big deal, seeing as how none of these gifts will get to their recipients before Christmas, but a late gift is better than no gift. Or calendars. Seriously, calendars are a cop-out gift.
Bernie Brewer Pillow Pet
If you’ve dreamed of spending a night with Bernie Brewer, this is the perfect gift for you. This, and at least one therapy session. (Amazon.com)
Nothing says “I’m a baseball fan, and lonely” quite like an adult owning a Bernie Brewer Pillow Pet. I know it looks like a strange German Man/Pig hybrid, but a Pillow Pet makes the perfect gift for people of all ages.
I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend those cold Wisconsin winter nights snuggled up with Bernie? That powerful blond mustache tickling your cheeks as you sleep, and it’s not anything creepy because he just seems so strong and he looks like a cuddler, and you just think you’d feel so safe in his arms, and sometimes all you want is someone to hold you and tell you that everything’s going to be alright…
Anyway, you can pick up this bad boy here.
Baseball Bat Bottle Opener
Baseball and drinking go together like family reunions and drinking – it’s hard to really appreciate it any other way once you’re old enough to do it.
Any tailgater worth his or her salt is going to need a bottle opener, because any beer worth appreciating is probably not going to have a screw-off cap. So why not get that special beer lover in your life a special bottle opener?
Uncommon Goods sells this bottle opener, made from real game used bats from every team in Major League Baseball. The price – $85 – is a little steep, but you pay for quality. So let your lesser friends and relatives open their bottles with their run-of-the-mill bottle openers, or their teeth, and give your real friends a chance to grasp onto the only shred of Major League bat they will ever be able to. While it may remind some some that they could never accomplish anything in an athletic capacity, at least they will have a fresh beer in which to drown their sorrow.
(This is the part where I remind you that you are not legally allowed to drink under the age of 21. Please don’t blame me if you break the law – that’s not cool.)
Brewers Stand-Up Napkins
Ok, this might seem like bottom-of-the-barrel stuff. Kind of like that old relative of yours who just finds stuff in their house and then wraps it up as a gift for you, right?
Well think again. JerseyNaps stand-up napkins are the cutting edge of napkin technology. These 3-dimensional works of table art begin as regular napkins, but then transform into the likeness of a real Milwaukee Brewers jersey that you can wipe food residue onto. Kind of like what you normally do when you eat at a ballgame, but less embarrassing. The makers promise they are “Great fun for parties” and your friends’ get-togethers with JerseyNaps are sure to be the envy of their cadre of fans.
An Even better part? Nobody has reviewed them on Amazon yet! Whoever gets these could be the vanguard of the napkin revolution. It really is a gift that keeps on giving.
Milwaukee Brewers “Santa’s Gift” Figurine
If ever you’re in doubt for what to get someone for Christmas, just peruse
The detail in this piece is exquisite. Unsettling, sure, but mostly just exquisite. (Amazon.com)
Amazon’s website and click on the third item on the third page of whatever you’re searching. That’s how we found this delightful little number that’s sure to warm the hearts of somebody somewhere.
“Santa’s Gift” is a one-of-a-kind mass produced figurine unique to your favorite team, in any sport in any city in the United States. It features Santa Claus, dressed in a coat and hat adorned with your favorite team, peering over the couch where a small boy is sleeping, presenting him with a sports-related gift.
The cold, emotionless face of Father Christmas and his thousand-yard stare is sure to ignite the Christmas spirit in sports fans young and old, and remind us all that Kris Kringle is always watching. ALWAYS.
Perfect for your family’s White Elephant gift exchange, or as that one piece of home decor you need to turn around when you’re home alone because you feel like it’s staring into your soul.
Supplies are very limited.
Milwaukee Brewers Velvet Wine Bottle Drawstring Bag
We here at Reviewing the Brew believe in enjoying a lifestyle of class and refinement. That’s why we wholeheartedly endorse the proliferation of gifts like this one.
You know what’s classy? Wine is classy. What’s classier? Wine in a bottle. What’s classier than both of those things? Anything draped in velvet.
And there’s no reason you can’t be classy and support the Brewers – in fact, we encourage any and all attempts to achieve that goal. A velvet drawstring wine bag just might be the benchmark to all future attempts on that endeavor. Not only does it feel amazing, it also tastefully reminds your fellow drinkers that you (presumably) spent more money than they did to get drunk.
(Pro-tip: you can hide any bottle you want in it and just make people think you’re being classy. It looks like the gentleman’s choice for concealing a forty.)
Feel free to use the links provided to pick up these items for the last-minute remembrances in your life. If you have any great ideas for Brewers gifts, leave them in the comments or tell us on Twitter.
Happy Holidays, Brewers fans.