NotBrew: Battle Royale, Brewers Style


I personally have no interest in the WWE or professional wrestling, but there was much talk on Twitter Sunday night of the Royal Rumble taking place (coincidentally taking place at the same time as the Pro Bowl, which received as many “this is so fake” comments from the studio audience).

Good lookin’ John. Good lookin’

Anyway, the Royal Rumble is an annual pro wrestling event in which a large humanity of wrestlers aim to eliminate the other competitors by tossing them over the ropes of the ring, with both feet touching the floor. Apparently, the Royal Rumble is different than the similarly-themed Battle Royale, with competitors running into the ring at predetermined intervals until everyone is attempting to kill each other at once instead of everyone starting in the ring.

For our purposes, we’ll use the Battle Royale, with all our competitors starting in the ring at once. Also, no Alex Gonzalez. He was in negotiations when the rumble took place.

All the talk – along with the absurd boringness of the Pro Bowl – on Sunday night got me to thinking: who would win if there was a Brewers Battle Royale?

I picked out 26 Brewers for our contest, all of which we might see on the Opening Day roster; the 6’6″, fiercely mustached Michael Olmsted couldn’t possibly be left off, so I caved in and picked 26 guys instead of the typical 25-man active roster. In the Brewers Battle Royale, the field was narrowed down to 12, where a seventh inning stretch was implicated, and then the ruckus resumed. Announced by the Bob Uecker, Gus Johnson, and Bill Schroeder trinity.

To the ring!

The Odds Were Never in Your Favor…

Jonathan Lucroy– Mike Fiers thought ahead and brough a packed suitcase, had Martin Maldonado tackle the smaller Lucroy, then dropped said suitcase on poor Jonny Luke’s hand.

Jean Segura- Listed at 165 pounds, I’m honestly not even sure if Jean could take me down.

Marco Estrada- That mohawk isn’t fooling me, Marco!

Marco Estrada: Better at bunting or wrestling? (Image: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports)

Mike Gonzalez- Naturally, Gonzalez tried taking down all the lefties in the Brewers offense, which didn’t sit over well with Gamel, Green, Aoki, and Schafer.

Corey Hart- Corey was a favorite in this competition after training at the Bear Grylls Academy for Bearded Men this winter, but it’s kind of hard to fight with an injured knee.

Tyler Thornburg- I interviewed Tyler last season and he’s a classy southern kid. Plus, I’m sure none of the ladies want to see his face get depleted by a Carlos Gomez bodyslam.

Taylor Green- Taylor lasted a while before Mat Gamel realized the two are in a race for starting first baseman and Gaby Sanchez’d him.

Wily Peralta- Wily had better things to do, like being our top-ranked prospect.

Logan Schafer and Jeff Bianchi- Possibly the highlight of the entire match, Michael “The Sherrif” Olmsted came out of nowhere, scooped  up Schafer and launched him at Bianchi, rupturing the spleens of not only Bianchi, but also those of a crowd watching in utter shock.

Comments on the shirt, boys? Any?

Ryan Braun- Ryan showed up to this fight with a shirt from his tee shirt line on, a pretty-boy shave, his supermodel fiancée at his side, and still manicuring his nails like he was between pitches in left field.

Mat Gamel- Mat took up some time removing Green from the ring, but the Florida surfer-boy saw illusions of the first base foul territory wall at Petco Park and ducked out on his own.

Mark Rogers- Rogers and Fiers aren’t just figuratively battling for a rotation spot: when Mark was busy watching the Schafer-Bianchi scene unfold, Fiers channeled his inner Carlos Zambrano and confused Rogers for a Gatorade cooler. The following events didn’t end too well.

Tom Gorzelanny- In a post-match interview, Rickie Weeks said of Gorzelanny, “he’s not about that life, man.”

The Final Twelve (In order of elimination)

12. Martin Maldonado- Pretty sure the bullpen pitchers trying to not send him to the shelf was the only reason Maldy made it this far.  Now that we’re down to 12, however, it’s survival of the fittest.

11. Burke Badenhop- Personally, I like to think of Burke Badenhop as a badass groundball pitcher, and only so much of that translates over to the ring.

10. Jim Henderson- Anyone with this is not one to be messed with. And Gentleman Jim is a good wrestler’s name.

9. Yovani Gallardo- Am I the only one here that wants Yovani to run recklessly around the ring with that mullet and a Mexican flag draped around his shoulders shouting, “Jonrón, jonrón!”? Yes? Oh.

Dandy MIke Fiers. (Image: Frank Victores-USA TODAY Sports)

8. Mike Fiers- Fiers may like to chill on the Florida beaches near his hometown, but a guy who survived what could have been a fatal car crash and rocks a top-three mustache on the Brewers would go far in this rumble. I mean, he HAS to!

7. Chris Narveson- Front Row Amy loves Narv Dog. Your argument is invalid.

6. Aramis Ramirez- Picture this: Aramis Ramirez. In spandex tights. Down to his mid-thigh. Without a shirt. Oiled chest. And big, pimped out, spiky wristbands. You’re welcome.

5. Norichika Aoki- After all the little guys got thrown out of the ring early, Norichika lasted to the final five with his signature move, the Aokie Pokie.

Norichika shows no mercy.

4. Michael Olmsted- 6’6″, 245 with a mustache John Axford envies from time to time. Michael Olmsted balls so hard.

3. Carlos Gomez- Carlos Gomez only knows one speed: all-out. He’d be flying around the ring like it was center field at Miller Park. The Go-Go clothesline would be a work of beauty, and he’d probably tweet a hilarious photo of his match-day apparel.

2. John Axford- The Ax Man is 6-foot-5, Canadian, saves nations with his mustache, and listens to heavy rock. He was finally the one to take down Gomez because apparently no one else remembered he chases the low-and-away breaking ball. Whenever he tossed someone over the ropes, the crowd simultaneously burst into making ax motions with their arms. “I don’t know, I guess that was pretty creative, I think,” said Zack Greinke of the crowd’s ingeniousness.

And your champion is…

Rickie Weeks- Breaking ball to the face? Rickie Weeks ain’t got time for that. Leading the league in times hit by pitch? That’s just how Rickie Weeks rolls. The Brew Crew’s second baseman has a reputation as one of the toughest guys in the league and has the muscular build of a guy who could shred you to pieces in an alley. And now I’m done talking about the muscles of guys larger than me.

 Comments? Questions? Concerns? Queries? Posers? Leave them below! Who do you think would win? Follow @ReviewngTheBrew on Twitter and/or the author (and most active Twitterist of the staff), Curt Hogg. Be sure to like us on Facebook, too, for constant updates.