THIS. This actually happened.
Some sort of person stole the Italian Racing Sausage – Guido to his compadres – from the (sigh) Curling Club in Cedarburg last week. This story just went public today apparently.
Either this is one of the most far-reaching publicity stunts in the history of sausage, curling, and racing – or this is undeniably the most Milwaukee thing that has ever happened since the influx of German immigrants to the Midwest.
Poor Guido – Where did he run off to? (Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports)
There are so many things at play here that says it’s a PR story – but I think I know enough about us as a culture to know that an actual theft of a foam rubber sausage suit is precisely the sort of thing that embodies the Cream City’s population. Let’s break it down the way a detective might, by way of deductive reasoning.
Well, there’s only two reasons every guy (and I can only assume a guy would do this) do anything in life: he was under the influence of alcohol or he was trying to impress a lady friend.
Of course he was drunk. Because why else would anyone steal that? You can’t go anywhere dressed like a sausage in a chef’s hat and not draw attention, and I can only assume that the outer shell of Guido would take up considerable space in any room or closet. None of that would come to mind when a drunk guy stumbles upon a Sausage Suit late in the afternoon after a long day of watching curling.
Which is another reason why I knew a drunk person did it – because he was watching curling. I watched curling in the Vancouver Olympics for about ten minutes and I had three beers just trying to figure out what, exactly, I was watching.
Oh, that and the fact that the dude WENT BAR-HOPPING IN A SAUSAGE SUIT. Until Midnight. And, the Milwaukee metro area being what it is, nobody found this the slightest bit weird.In a city literally drowning in sausage and beer, what’s one more I suppose.
The fact that a year’s supply of mustard is up for grabs as a reward is – well, mustard on the sausage I guess. It all just seems like a lot of intricacies in order to drum up interest in what seems like a cursory event in the first place. I mean of all the things to make a big deal about in the name of public imagery – this might be one of the biggest. And that’s just about as Milwaukee as it gets.
But, hoax or no hoax, I want in on this. If you have tips as to the whereabouts of Guido, pictures or a more definitive timeline email us here. If you can help us cover this most Milwaukee of occasions, we would be forever indebted to you.