This beard is good…but let’s see if we can do better. Photo: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports
Well by now you all know that I have a sick obsession with facial hair. In fact, I double as the “Chief of Stache” for another famous baseball blog…The Hall of Very Good. So you should not be surprised that this is happening. I just can not help myself.
At this point, it would be silly to roll out some John Axford mustache facts because lately my boy has been rocking the beard. That being the case, I decided to look into some of the gnarliest facial hair in film history for our boy. Focusing more on beards, or facial accesories formerly known as beards. As you may or may not know, Mr. Axford has a degree in film from Notre Dame. And these are not just any options, these are the types of face blankets that will strike fear into all who oppose them.
For the official record, I would like to point out that in our predictions article last month I said that John Axford would rock a beard at some point this season. That has already come to pass…so I am kind of a sorcerer now.
**Due to legal reasons, I am unable to post actual pictures next to each entry…however, I have provided the link to Google images for each option. As far as I know, that is totally legit**
1) The Dr. King Schultz (Django Unchained)- If you have not seen Django Unchained, you probably should catch that. It is beautifully violent, and the facial hair is out of sight. What makes Dr. Schultz’s (Christoph Waltz) beard so amazing is that it doubles as a handle-bar mustache!! Not only do you have the beard to keep your face warm, but when you feel particularly saucy…you give your stache handles a little twirl. Any MLB player who saw this movie and then stands in the batters box to face The Ax, while cower in fear. Maybe he has a tiny single-bullet gun up his sleeve? Or a nasty 97 mph cut fastball? Either way, this particular face ornament would be legendary.
2) The Pai Mei (Kill Bill Vol.2)- I promise that these are the only two Quentin Tarantino movie finalists. But who isn’t intimidated by a fu manchu that hangs down to mid-chest? The answer is no one. Can you imagine Axford striking someone out…walking around the mound…stroking his facial hair…and then throwing it behind his back? This move would be both intimidating and a slap in the face of would be batters. Maybe that facial hair comes with instructions for the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, I don’t know. If this were to become a reality, the growing needs to begin now. It could be ready to unleash just in time for a playoff run in September.
3) Bill the Butcher (Gangs of New York) – This would be a new take on an old classic. Yes, John would have to bring back the handle bar mustache and keep that baby nice and waxed (which was not a problem in 2011). Here is the catch, now you have to add some sweet turn of the century mutton chops to the equation. In the film, Daniel Day Lewis is one of the baddest dudes on the planet…in large part because of that amazingly sophisticated manscaping. I already know that #59 can rock the handlebar, but with the current beard it would be only too easy to shave that into some rocking mutton burns.
4) The Captain Barbossa (Pirates of the Caribbean 1-4) – You may be asking, “Lou, why him and not Capt. Jack Sparrow”. The answer is simple…chin braids are dumb and pirates were not the type of people who would go out of their way to sit in front of a mirror so that they could braid their chin hair. There I said it. Barbossa looks like a real pirate. I can look at that guy and genuinely believe that he was at sea 340 days a year. What makes this particular facial scraggle unique, is it’s lack of fullness. This is an unhealthy beard. Maybe that is what happens when you have scurvy…or are undead for many years. In spite of all that, this beard would look terrifying on Axford. Plus, we could all pitch in and get him a little monkey who never seems to die…plus we cold teach it to steal gold coins.
5) The Dr. Loveless (Wild Wild West) – Look, we all know this movie sucked…big time. However, British master actor/director Kenneth Branagh rocks one of the most intricate facial hair configurations of all time. In the old west, the facial hair made the man..or in the case of this movie, half of a man. Either way, when you consider that this was done with an old school razor (in theory, of course obviously Hollywood has fancy tricks), it makes this one of the baddest looking beards in the history of film. The mustache portion is pretty standard, but the beard…oh, the beard. In the region commonly known as a soul patch, now resides what looks like a whales tale. Then, rather then having facial hair running up the side of his lips, he has cleaned that out…and given his beard wings. WINGS!!! ON HIS BEARD!!!! Ridiculous? Kind of. Amazing? Yup. I would love to see our Canadian closer slamming the door while rocking this amazing facial affair.
Alright John, I know you are going to read this. So, which one will it be? How about you, the readers, what would you like to see Axford done this season?