Dear Santa: A Brewers Christmas Letter


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Dear Santa,

The Milwaukee Brewers have been very good this offseason and I think they deserve numerous presents from you on Christmas.

Unlike last year, Mark Attanasio and Doug Melvin have been smart with their money. They haven’t signed a veteran to an expensive multi-year contract and so far, Yuniesky Betancourt is nowhere near Milwaukee.

The Brewers have forgiven Ryan Braun for his wrongdoings and are ready to move on from it. I’m sure you will give Braun his share of coals (which he deserves) but the Brewers handled the entire situation with class.

Not only have the Brewers been good during the offseason, they had their moments during the 2013 season as well. Being the good guy Melvin is, he gave John Axford a chance to play for a contending team by trading him to the St. Louis Cardinals. See, Santa? We are helping our enemies now; that’s good, right?

I hope you find it in your heart to make a stop at Miller Park on Christmas Eve and deliver the Brewers some wonderful presents. To help you out, I’ve compiled a list to help you.

Milwaukee Brewers Christmas List

  • A new bat for Rickie Weeks would be awesome. For some reason, his bat seems to have 3000 holes in it. I don’t know if it’s termites but there’s gotta be a reason for it. What other possible explanation is there for his lack of production?
  • Can you please mention to Melvin the reasons why he should trade Yovani Gallardo? Brewers fans are ready for a change at the top of the rotation and I’m guessing a change of scenery could help Gallardo as well. P.S. I bet he doesn’t even believe in you.
  • If you could slide a signed contract between the Cardinals and Michael Gonzalez under John Mozeliak’s door, the entire Brewers fan base would thank you. It was a Christmas nightmare watching Gonzalez pitch in Milwaukee last year and it’s about time the Cardinals have a bullpen pitcher who doesn’t throw 100 MPH.
  • Please bring back Richie Sexson. Not only will you solve the Brewers first base conundrum, you’ll give young fans a chance to see a first baseman with massive power who is not named Prince Fielder. Do it for the kids, Santa.
  • The Brewers really miss the Houston Astros in the N.L. Central, so please steal them back from the A.L. West. Milwaukee needs someone to annihilate and now that the Pittsburgh Pirates are relevant, the Central has become too competitive. I guess there’s the Chicago Cubs but I don’t really consider them a team. Too mean?

I hope you get this letter, Santa. It would mean a lot to the city of Milwaukee and the Brewers if you could give them everything I asked for. Say hi to Rudolph for me.


A die-hard Brewers fan

P.S. I left some Bernie Brewer-shaped cookies on his slide for you.