This is the type of picture that could lead to a disaster. Anytime your Gold Glove center fielder leaves the field with the trainer and General Robo-Face, you should start your prepping. Photo: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports
When I am not writing Brewers nonsense for you to read, I spend my days working in the insurance industry. I am not going to share with you which one now, but if you do a quick check on me you can find out. Anyway, part of my job is managing risks and helping people to be prepared for potential disasters. Disasters can range from natural, to man-made, to good old-fashioned acts of God. So, I thought it might be amusing to help all of you prepare yourselves for what could end up being another painful season of Brewers baseball.
If you were a Brewers fan during the late 80’s, 90’s, and early 00’s…you can probably just dust off the old supplies and move on. Others will have to start from scratch.
Here are some tips to spare you and your heart any extra strain this summer:
1) Have an escape plan – If you are married, or have a significant other, this should be easy enough. Once the season begins to spiral out of control, it is time for you to take charge of your summer. Take the Mrs. (or Mr.) to an outdoor concert, maybe a boat show, really anything else that goes on outside during the summer. This will serve multiple purposes, but mostly it will keep you distracted from the travesties of Brewers baseball. Plus, you will earn huge brownie points with your life partner. Don’t believe me. In 2015, when you want to go to an entire Cubs v. Brewers series, you can remind her of the time you took her to the contemporary art exhibit last summer and bought her that existential piece on the duality of man. Don’t allow your summer to be ruined by this team, instead do something to better your home life and keep yourself alive for another couple of months (typically I lose about 4-6 months of future life per Brewers season, so it adds up quickly). Boom! Having an escape plan will save you immediate and future grief.
2) Supplies – Now in an insurance situation supplies would refer to candles, canned food, radio, and so on. What I am talking about here is distraction supplies. Personally, I have two dogs, a niece who is on the way, two podcasts, wood working projects, and a home that still needs a ton of work. I would say that I am stocked on supplies. But if you are young, or live in an apartment, or simply just have no life outside of Brewers baseball…you need to start gathering supplies. The easiest way to keep your mind off of something, is to focus it on something else. Last season, as the team spiraled out of control, I painted the outside of my house and built a concrete patio. These activities helped to sustain me during the disastrous 2013 season. If you do not have supplies, you still have about 80 days to get them. This may be one of the more important preparation tips on this list. (Note: video games do not count, sorry gang)
3) Brightsiding – Not sure if this is a real word or term, but it is now. By mid-July of last season, we were pretty much done for. So, I started brightsiding: “Look at how well Scooter is playing”, “Thornburg is really making a name for himself”, and of course “Khris Davis could be one of the cornerstones of this franchise”. It is important to remember that even re-building teams can have some positive elements, so rather than dwelling on the horrible…dwell on the bright side. Look to the future and all that the unknown can hold for this team. Maybe Hunter Morris will get called up early and we can see him grow. What about the new guy, Will Smith? Maybe he will give us something to get excited about. The problem with brightsiding, is that no one can do it for you. You must take it upon yourself to create your own. If you are a glass “half-empty” type of person, I feel bad for you son…99 problems, right?
4) Plenty of Fluids – This one is important all of the time, but during the summer…when your baseball team is terrible…that is when you have to really amp up the fluids. As a 30-year-old, I am able to drink adult beverages. Which gives me infinitely more options than someone under the age of 21. But if you are over the age of 21, use the sad baseball days of summer to experiment. Maybe try beers you have never had before, try out some different brands of hard liquor, and in the summer…no one will make fun of you for drinking a wine cooler, so go nuts. If you are underage, might I recommend Jones soda brand. They do not sponsor me, but they make an excellent soda with tons of unique flavors to choose from. You can find and order Jones on-line, so look it up. These simple pleasures will help keep your mind off of the pain. And if you are an adult, these fluids will literally help numb the pain, but only temporarily…
5) Therapy – I am throwing this one in as a joke, but there is certainly some truth to it. Having published conversations with my therapist on this website, I think the benefits to a sports fan are fairly obvious. Now not everyone has a dear friend who practices psychology so this may be a bit unrealistic, but believe me…it is undeniably helpful. So if you are ruining your life as well as the people and pets around you (don’t pretend like your pets don’t pick up on your depression) because of the Brewers, seek help. You will thank me later.
6) Watch a few Cubs games – No one will deny that the 2014 Cubs look like they are going to be all kinds of disaster. Even if the Brewers are decimated by injuries and terrible coaching, they should be better than the Cubs. So, when you are feeling down and out…just flip on WGN and take in a Cubs game. Watch as their “best” player makes error after error at shortstop. Marvel at their “Ace” having a 4.80 ERA. Remember, things can ALWAYS be worse. If this doesn’t work for you, check out the Marlins, Astros, and White Sox. Should have the same desired effect.
Well, I hope that these insights will help you to have a safe and happy baseball season. Remember, being prepared starts now. Don’t wait until it is too late. Only you can prevent unnecessary self-inflicted grief and pain.