Doug Melvin’s Deal With The Devil


Feb 18, 2014; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Milwaukee Brewers general manager Doug Melvin speaks to the media during MLB media day at Chase Field. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

It started in March with a phone call. The voice on the other line sounded familiar, it sounded like another General Manager. That morning Melvin had been looking at predictions for his Milwaukee Brewers, most had them placing third or fourth in their division. It didn’t take a lot of convincing from the voice on the other side. Doug Melvin decided to make a deal with the devil for the 2014 season.

What the Brewers sent out is not clear, rumors allege Melvin gave up an All-Star thumb and five humans to be named later. However, details of what the Brewers received in the deal have emerged.

1. Lead the Central Division

2. Have more starting pitching than ever before. Yovani Gallardo, Kyle Lohse, Matt Garza, Wily Peralta and Marco Estrada would be the initial five, but Will Smith, Tyler Thornburg and Jimmy Nelson would also be in the mix.

3. In addition to a plethora of starting pitching, bring back Mike Fiers. (Note: At this point the devil asked for another thumb.)

4. Injuries to Yadier Molina and Andrew McCutchen.

5. Make the following off-season moves look border-line genius: Francisco Rodriguez, Khris Davis, Will Smith, Mark Reynolds

6. In addition to wins and health, ensure everyone has good stat lines except for Ryan Braun – we want our fans to feel bad for him.

7. What the hell, let’s make Yovani Gallardo the ace of the pitching staff, again.

8. You heard me regarding Mike Fiers, right?

9. Also, Zach Duke.

10. Include Wily Peralta in “is he a future ace” discussions around the blog world.

The contract was drawn up and all T’s were crossed and I’s dotted. Both Melvin and the Devil signed the contract and it was fully executed.

Unfortunately it wasn’t until recently a mistake was discovered. The final draft contained a typo under “Number of Games” and instead of 162 the number 130 was entered.