Milwaukee Brewers: Handicapping the sausage race.


The Famous Racing Sausages are a staple of Milwaukee Brewers games. Which tubed meat is poised for a breakout year?

2016 was another year dominated by the Secretariat of sausage, the Polish. Polish racked up a league leading 23 victories. Hot Dog was the closest competition, with 19 wins. Brat and Italian tied for third place with 14 wins a piece. Chorizo brought up the rear with 13 wins. Let’s take a look at each individual equine encased meat and see how they can improve on their 2016 performance.

Chorizo (13 wins)

The newest member of the group, debuting in 2007, has yet to really make his mark in speedy sausage history. Chorizo has to work extra hard to overcome the extreme aerodynamic drag created by his sombrero. The spiciest sausage of the group has committed to a “rocky style” training regimen this off-season. He has been chasing a live chicken in the Brewers bullpen to increase his quick twitch reflexes, and climbing the stairs daily at Miller Park to increase cardio. Will it be enough to compete in a tough division?

Bratwurst (14 wins)

The Bavarian Bomber had a tough year in 2016. The Brat has attributed this performance to his lederhosen being slightly too tight and constricting, preventing him from achieving the optimum stride length for a race of this distance. He is addressing this concern by sizing up, and changing the fabric from traditional leather, to a new space age material similar to those worn by triathletes. The Brat is also going back to coarse, stone ground mustard as opposed to the yellow mustard he used last year.

Italian (14 wins)

The most stylish and passionate of the group, the Italian has vowed not to let his emotions get in the way of victory this year. One of the main problems Italian had was his floppy chef hat impeding his vision during races. Italian has been experimenting putting the hat into a stylish man bun to alleviate this problem. He has also changed his diet to an all pasta regimen, hoping the carbs will provide the fuel he needs to take the title this year.

Hot Dog (19 wins)

Not all that long ago, Hot Dog was mired in rebuilding. 2016 proved he was ahead of schedule. Mr. Dog has shown he has the chops to challenge the long-standing titan of thueringer, the Polish. Hot Dog attributes this turnaround to greater understanding of statcast data provided by MLS (Major League Sausage). He has focused on proper launch angle at the starting line, and the bio-mechanics of the proper finish line lean. This has allowed Hot Dog to excel in close races, and greatly out-preform his Pythagorean record.

Polish (23 wins)

Some call him the Mike Trout of sausage. Polish does very well in all aspects of the race, and the advanced metrics love him. He dominates in wCC+ (weighted condiments consumed +) and KIP (Kraut Independent Plating). Polish also comes into every race with an intimidation factor, similar to Mike Tyson in him prime. His opponents are defeated before they even approach the start line. Many attribute this to his track record of winning and his super cool sunglasses. One thing is for sure, he is the sausage to beat in 2017.

Overall this years races seem to come down to the established champion, the Polish, and the young up and comer, the Hot Dog. However, sausage racing is a lot like baseball, I would not be surprised if a feel good story comes out of nowhere to surprise us, that is what makes both sports so compelling.

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