Milwaukee Brewers: What if they brawl with the Reds, Pirates, Cubs, or Cardinals?

The Milwaukee Brewers have started slow to begin the 2018 season, and the April weather is uncharacteristically cold all over Wisconsin. The Brewers will bounce back as the weather warms. That makes April the perfect time to joke about fantasy Brewers brawls with their NL Central rival Cardinals, Cubs, Pirates, and Reds.

Multiple brawls erupted in April during the 2018 MLB season. Even the Yankees and Red Sox rivalry reignited. Other than the Pirates, who are off to a surprising start, NL Central teams have not had much to cheer about.

The Brewers, Cubs, Cardinals, and even Reds expect more going forward. NL Central teams could probably start a brawl without much provocation. Others have speculated how Milwaukee’s Brewers might fare in a fight.

Being the home of Da’ Crusher, the Milwaukee Brewers should do just fine.

Fans often have a hard time following what goes on in a baseball brawl because of the pure amount of people bunching together. Two 25-man rosters plus multiple coaches and staff makes for one chaotic crowd.

The Brewers have some strong, intimidating fellows on the team, but they also have some teammates that might need protecting.

The Crew has a group of baby-face, nerdy looking members, let’s call them The Brewers A/V Club.

Skinny guys such as Craig Counsell, Zach Davies, and “Nerd Power” himself, Eric Sogard, certainly will need protection.

Eric Thames loves the WWE so it makes sense that he would grab up fellow first-baseman Jesus Aguilar and form the BPA, the Brewers Protection Agency.

In the WWE, the APA or Acolytes Protection Agency were a duo of wrestlers that would protect other wrestlers for a fee. The Brewers A/V Club might want to pony up to the BPA.

Not many other NL Central players would pick on the Brewers A/V Club Geeks and Nerds if they had to go through bulky Thames and Aguilar to get them.

Another Brewers player with special powers in a brawl is Travis Shaw. You know, the Mayor of Ding Dong City. Surely he could call in some help in a brawl being a mayor and all.

Some athletes say they use the power of visualization to help them in their sport. If Milwaukee Brewers did that for brawls, this is what they would see when visualizing a brawl.

Reds first-baseman Joey Votto has encountered some bad luck against the Brewers. Perhaps the most memorable came when Carlos Gomez robbed him of what would have been a game-winning home run. Who knows what the former MVP might do if a Brewers pitcher threw a pitch near his head.

Maybe Votto would picture Gomez on the mound and charge that Milwaukee starter.

Votto might be a good base-runner, but he is not that fast. Everyone would see him coming. And, Votto is probably a better hitter of baseballs than human beings.

Votto could be relatively contained. But, Brewers players might not see Reds speedster Billy Hamilton coming. Statcast calculates Hamilton is the fastest player in Major League Baseball with a score of 30.1 ft/sec.

The Brewers might see Votto coming and have an early numbers advantage in a brawl because of having defenders already on the field, but what happens when the benches clear?

Hamilton would be zipping around popping Brewers players like a baseball brawl version of DC Comics Flash.

In this case, the Brewers might have to turn to Shaw. Why? Because he’s the Mayor of Ding Dong City!

Shaw might not be able to catch Hamilton, but he could call up someone from the minor leagues like a Mayor calls in the police force. Statcast says Keon Broxton is the eighth fastest player in baseball.

Hamilton, thinking his only competition was Hernan Perez and Jonathan Villar, probably will not be running full speed. Broxton would catch up to and neutralize Hamilton while the rest of the Brewers take care of business in a brawl against the Cincinnati Reds.

The Brewers players ultimate positive visualization of a brawl versus the Reds allows time to move on to visualizing another brawl against an NL Central rival.

The Pirates are off to a terrific start to the 2018 season. They might not be looking for a brawl. But their catcher Francisco Cervelli looks like he has a little crazy-eye.

Pittsburgh fan favorite Francisco Cervelli means business on the baseball field. He plays with passion and that is recognized by the PNC Park faithful.

A popular saying about a respected commander in war is that soldiers would “follow him/her into a minefield.” Well, the Pirates would follow Cervelli into a brawl even if he charged the Brewers.

The Pirates do have some big guys. All but two players on their active roster stand six feet or taller. But, the same goes for the Brewers.

If the tallest guy on the field meets the widest guy on the field, the edge would go to the Brewers. Tyler Glasnow comes at hitters with a 6’8″ frame, but Jesus Aguilar is listed at 250 lbs and that looks like a mistake. Aguilar is a tank.

And, remember, right behind Aguilar would be BPA partner Eric Thames.

These teams both have such big, young, athletic guys on their rosters that visualizing a win for either team in a brawl is difficult.

So it comes down to the coaches.

And Ed Sedar.

Brewers fans might look at third base coach Ed Sedar and think of words like “fun,” “joyful,” and “happy-go-lucky.” Nobody gives out more high-fives than Sedar. The Sedar high-five has become as routine and part of a Brewers home run as Bob Uecker’s famous call and Bernie going down the slide.

What fans do not know is the reason for Sedar’s high-fives. That is just practice for a brawl. Sedar has developed the muscles that support a slapping motion through all of those high-fives.

Now, his slap is lethal enough to knock out a rabid bull.

if the Brewers vs Pirates brawl comes down to the coaches, Sedar will be the difference in a Brewers win. Visualize it and bank the memory.

What might happen in a brawl against the Chicago Cubs? Well, there is some history here. History and geographic proximity that could make a brawl versus the Cubs one that could split families.

Major League baseball left the Milwaukee area after the 1965 season when the Braves moved to Atlanta. For five years, Milwaukee and Wisconsin had no team representing them at the MLB level.

Some fans followed their favorite players from the Milwaukee Braves era and became fans of the Atlanta Braves. Others, more beholden to proximity rule than individual players, became Chicago Cubs fans.

Major League Baseball returned to Milwaukee in 1970 with the Milwaukee Brewers. But what were fans to do. Some fans had invested themselves in the Braves, some the Cubs.

Because of this unique history, many people in the Milwaukee area at least held a soft-spot for the Cubs even if their proximity values led them to become more loyal to the Brewers starting in 1970.

So what happens if a brawl busts out on the field in 2018? An intense battle of wills we puny-brained plebeians of sport observation pain to foresee.

For those bold enough to gaze into the crystal, the sight is brutal. Imagine trying to break-up a brawl between tag-teams such as Thames and Aguilar versus Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant? How about big Matt Albers and stocky Kyle Schwarber?

Even if it comes down to coaches, this one seems like a wash. Sedar can throw one heck of a slap, but who knows what the creative mind of Joe Maddon could come up with for a situation such as a brawl with the Milwaukee Brewers?

Only the most prolific practitioners of visualization can imagine the end of this one.

Remember that black cat in Chicago? Cubs fans do. In 1969, some believe a bizarre incident with a black cat cursed the Cubs.

What if the Cubs kept that cat and used its powers against the Brewers in a brawl!? The cat incident happened the final year before baseball returned to Milwaukee and reclaimed fans from the Cubs. What does that have to do with all of this? Who knows? It’s in the crystal!

Just when all things seem bleak for the Brewers, they would come with their own four-legged fiend. How does one counter a cat? A dog, of course!

Hank, the ballpark pup saves the day for the Brewers. After chasing that cat off the field, Hank would take over the brawl. Not even a Cubs player would harm a cute little fellow like Hank.

After a battle resembling Ramsay Bolton versus Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, or the Battle of Hornburg/Helm’s Deep from the Lord of the Rings series for those of us a little older, or the great battle at Babylon from 1916’s Intolerance for anyone reading this about to turn 120 years old, Hank the ballpark pup would become the difference in a win for the Brewers.